The Jeffrey And Tracey Info Emporium

First off, I would like to say that our society should do a lot more than it does about making people aware of the consequences of their actions. Can you imagine being taken to prison in cuffs and leg irons, to spend the next 15 years of your life figuring out how you are going to pay off the $250,000 fine you will owe in restitution for your crime when you finally get out of jail? To make matters even worse, you discover on your first day in the big house that the guy you are sharing your cell with is a felon who has spent the last five years before you arrived working out to make his biceps look like tree trunks.

This big bruiser sits down on the bunk next to you, pats you on the head and says, “Hey sonny, what are you in for?”

The question causes your forehead to instantly explode with sweat, and before you can think, you mumble an answer to his question in a very subdued voice.

“Huh, I can’t hear you, precious,” replies the burly guy, giving the back of your hair a yank, and flicking your Adam’s apple.

You grab your throat, gasp for air, and repeat your answer louder this time, “I said I am in for copyright infringement!”

“Copyright infringement? What da hell is that?” asks the felon, giving your head another tug.

“I got caught by the FBI copying some tapes and DVD’s that I was not supposed to for entertainment purposes.”

Well, I do not think it is necessary for me to play out the rest of this scene for you. Every commercially produced movie in VHS and DVD format displays a glimpse of a pleasantly blue or red colored screen in fine print, outlining the potentially severe penalties for unauthorized reproduction of the media. To my knowledge, this little howdy screen is there for a minute, and almost universally ignored by viewers, who are busy noshing snacks or filling their drinks before the movie starts. People are waiting to be entertained, not to analyze the penal code for cryin’ out loud.

If the manufacturers really want people to consider the consequences of unauthorized reproduction, they should jazz up the warning screen to get people to pay more attention to the message. My suggestions for doing this would be to have sirens go off, play the theme song to “Cops,” or have a graphic of bars slamming shut, then reopening to reveal the text in pulsating large print of the warning. Maybe a voice pleading for mercy, or a scene of someone being dragged from a courtroom screaming, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know!” would hit home with the viewers. Considering the potential consequences, there should be a lot more work done to protect the rights of artists and the people who patronize their work.

You might think this is an alarmist viewpoint from a paranoid personality, but do not say I did not warn you when the FBI comes a knockin’ to take a look at that movie library you have so lovingly put together for yourself. If the FBI does come, you might as well go ahead take out a couple of them before they drag you off to jail. At least you will have a better story to tell your new bunkmate. Maybe Brad Pitt will come and visit you to find out how you liked his performance in “Troy.”

Director of Software Concepts
BHO Technologists - LittleTek Center
http://home.earthlink.net~jdir/

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? — Or, things you might have said to Eve had she tricked you into eating the apple –

Copyright by Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.

There are a few things that you might be tempted to say, if you had the chance, (especially if you’re a fly on a wall in the proverbial “Garden of Eden”).

Speaking of flies, here are some choice lines you wish Adam might have told Eve before chomping into that fateful apple on what appears to have been another perfectly twee day in paradise.

– I don’t do “bobbing for apples”!

– Let’s share the guilt.

– You know I hate “Little green apples in the summertime”, so play something else!

– Before we get down to business — when was your last dental check-up?

– Not now, I’m busy killing the bugs, worms, and Trojan Horses in my frigging PC.

– I can’t imagine why you think I’d want to read your new diet book, “How to Be Happy on 500 Calories or Less a Day - Lessons From A Tart With A Heart”.

– If eating an apple a day keeps the doctor away, I wonder if eating a hippo will keep the taxman off our backs?

– Maybe Martha Stewart can send us her favorite applesauce recipe from the slammer.

– I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “Johnny Appleseed” doesn’t live here!

– If an apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, would you mind picking it up because my back’s killing me.

– My interior decorator says “apples and oranges don’t mix” - so how about a putrid pink grapefruit with a splash of yucky lime?

– If money grows on trees, how come all we get are a bunch of rotten apple investment certificates?

– Let me get this straight, if I bite into that apple, I can play “Devil’s Advocate” for a day?

– I’m tired of being “touched by an angel”, can we try something spooky for a change?

– If I’d wanted to play “snakes and ladders”, I’d have married a social-climbing serpent!

– Wow, it’s another episode of “Desperate Housewives in Paradise” — do you mind if I sit down and watch?

– Okay honeybun, where’d you put my “Get Out of Jail Free Card” anyway?

– Look at it this way, if God had wanted me to bite into that apple, he wouldn’t have given me dentures!

– I don’t polish apples for anyone, and that includes you!

– Why don’t you put that apple on your head, while I find my plucky bow and trusty arrow.

– What could be more rewarding than biting a few biscuits, dust bunnies, or speeding bullets?

– Perhaps you could read one more chapter from my favorite pillow book, “The Boo Hoo Bible: The Neo American Church Catechism” by Art Kleps — before we retire for the night.

– Listen, being President of a meat-eating country means you don’t have to eat broccoli, sprouts or apples for that matter!

– Hey, I know Popeye eats spinach to make him big and strong, but are you sure that munching on bag of apples will make me a Wicked Witch to be reckoned with?

About the Author

Theolonius McTavish, an itinerant scribe in the Palace of The Quipping Queen (http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com) and the perambulating, pondering sort who has a frightful aversion to apples, Eves and anything named “Paradise”.

Pink on the outside and shiny white on the inside, the little olive-shaped radishes glistened in the bowl that the laoban’s (boss’s) wife placed before me. I dithered for a moment before I picked one and placed it gingerly into my mouth.

Radishes have always brought back bad memories and for years I haven’t touched anything that included them. I mean, I wouldn’t touch any food that had the faintest hint of radish.

I must have been ten and I was on a train with my younger brother and sister on our way back home from school in Jaipur in western India. Our mother’s aunt was on the train with us. Each time the train stopped at a station she would buy something from the hawkers - fruits, tea, the odd snacks and radishes. We sniggered each time she got off, her ample derriere on her short frame swinging wildly from the exercise, a picture that her sweetest smile cannot erase from our joint memories - in part because of itself and in part because of the radishes.

She bought a bunch of squeaky white, nearly foot long, juicy-looking radishes. And, before that train started from the station, she had buried her teeth into the juicy flesh of one. The three of us politely declined her offer, preferring more interesting food than those radishes.

Minutes later she let go a very satisfied burp and we all gasped, almost choking in the aftermath of her happiness. We pulled all the windows of the carriage open and walked as far away as we could from her when the second burp followed and then a third…She couldn’t stop burping and all we could do was choke…and since that memorable day radishes have been a strict no-no for me and my brother. My sister fell prey to its seductive charm some time ago but still desists from letting herself go after it, choosing to restrict herself to a small share.

Brother and I have been unrelenting in our resolve to keep far away from anything radish.

But, today, I fell prey to its olive-shaped, pink-hued avatar in far-away China. I must have had a bit more than my mother’s aunt did that fateful day on a train from Jaipur. And, I am burping, too…but, thankfully, there are no children around to kill me with a disgusted look nor is there any one else who will learn from me never to indulge in the pleasures of radish-flesh. I wonder if the air around me smells as poisoned as it did on that train…i wonder if Chinese radish is as sweet to smell as it is to taste…

Rajesh Kanoi (Jack) is a published writer, now living and working in China. Many of his short-stories, poems and articles have been published, including a book of short-stories, ‘From China With Love’ (Lipstick Publishing).

http://www.writingup.com/blog/oneinabillion

http://o3.indiatimes.com/kjack/

France, casting aside its usual insistence on diplomacy, even when it’s obvious to every person who happens to be alert that it can’t work, finally grew impatient with Iran’s centrifuge-rattling behavior and launched a unilateral attack on it.

As French mirage jets swooped down on Iran’s nuclear facilities and French troops launched a land assault from warships in the Persian Gulf, the United States and Britain voiced immediate objections.

President Bush said, “I just don’t understand why the French have gone ahead and attacked Iran without consulting us. It’s just not right to do things without having your allies on board.”

Tony Blair stated, “I would have thought President Chirac would have given more time for diplomacy to work. After all, we know it’s going to be at least a month or more before Iran has an atomic bomb.”

On the other hand, German Chancellor Merkel voiced support for the French attack, saying, “I actually felt it was time for a European leader to act as highhandedly as the Americans did in Iraq.”

“Meanwhile, President Jacques Chirac dismissed allied concerns and vowed to continue his go-it-alone policies, stating, “I was at my cattle ranch in Bordeaux, when I realized Iran is even closer to France than it is to America. Of course, we usually wait for America to carry on a war we know is necessary for our own safety. It’s cheaper and a lot more popular with French voters. But I decided this is one war the French had to foot the bill for, even without American and British approval.”

The U. N. has not yet issued a comment on the preemptive French strike. At the time of this writing, Secretary General Kofi Annan had only recently finished his morning coffee, the beverage that has long been named after him, and he was just about to wander over to the General Assembly to see if any diplomats wanted to discuss the possibility of discussing the attack.

On the way, he commented, “You’d think Jacques would have at least given me us some advance notice. Although a lot of people have come to doubt it, the U. N. is still here.”

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “”delightfully funny” and “witty” with “good, genuine laughs.”

You’ve arrived just in time! You’re here, so I assume you’re wanting to better yourself and expand your mind — and not through drugs, but through reading. I’m so excited for you! I’ll do the best I can to help you buy your Dummy Book, and I’ll be extra careful to use simple words and letters from the alphabet.

The first thing you have to do is decide on what you’d like to learn about. It’s an important first step in choosing your Dummy Book. If you go into a store, secure in the knowledge that you already know what you’d like to learn about, it will give you a feeling of confidence. You’ll be able to pick out a book in under fifteen minutes, lift it off the shelf with your right or left hand, walk over to the checkout stand, reach for your wallet, pull money out of your wallet, pay for the book, and then walk out, insert your key into the lock of your car, then into the ignition, then drive out of the parking lot, take a left turn, right turn, go straight for three miles, then another right turn, stopping when you see red lights, and continuing when you see green. Keep in mind these directions will not apply to everyone. If you’re unsure of how to get home, ask a friend or a neighbor. There is also a book available to help you — Yellow Lights for Dummies.

The second key factor in purchasing a Dummy Book is that it should match the subject you decided upon in step number one. If you’re unsure of step number one, refer to the first paragraph, shown above. If you’re not confident you can find it, simply start reading this article from the beginning and you will shortly find the answer you’re looking for. After you have completed step one and are at the bookstore, look for a book with a word in the title that matches the word in your mind. For example, if you would like to learn about knitting, do not take the book Italian for Dummies. If you would like to learn personal financing, pick out Personal Financing for Dummies and not The Bible for Dummies. If you’re having trouble reading the title, I strongly suggest looking for something with the letters E-N-G-L-I-S-H in the title.

The last thing to remember is also important: Make sure the book you’re buying is a For Dummies book. Do not purchase Moby Dick, a Spider-Man comic book, or a coffee cup. I know this may all seem very confusing, but if you’re still wallowing in self-doubt, don’t be afraid to ask a trusted friend or family member for help.

Andy Alt
http://www.mentaldimensions.com/
Mental Dimensions Humor Ezine
Warped minds can come here for observational humor, comedy editorials, farce, satire and spoof

At present you can investigate interest rates quickly online and interpret if there are other sneaky conditions you should know about. Investigate to see if the moneylender who is willing to give you a money loan is secure. It doesn’t matter if you live in Chicago Illinois or in Irvine California a serious online inspection will salve you often a lot of inconvenience. A lot of the merchant banks wil show you a rate of interest that looks fairish but feels naughtily or so after a while.

Translated it says: Woon je in Boskoop of Den Helder en hebt u BKR registratie. Lenen met zonder BKR registratie is nog nooit zo gemakkelijk geweest. Koop een andere caravan met flitslenen en mini krediet, 108681 euro is gewoon mogelijk om te financieren. Van Sint Anthonis tot Huizen, geld lenen met een BKR registratie is altijd mogelijk.

This is the reason why now you need to check and meet if you can have a loan at a proficient percent interest rate. 11.5 percent loan rate may look so fairish but will that be changeless after you have to repay your money loan. Be wise today to analyze if you have a bargain or if you don’t with the bank that offers you a credit loan. A merchant bank in Columbia South Carolina or so may have a total totally different actual rate of interest for a 17500 dollar credit loan then a bank in Newark New Jersey and that makes a immense clear gap in your weekly pay backs.

I’ve always been a skeptic when it comes to technology, especially computers and the Information Age. I used to think it was crazy how people would put their total faith into a machine, some even more so than in their faith in humanity. Human beings are flawed, imperfect creatures. I say this in a positive way because if humanity were completely positive and perfect we would have nothing to learn, and life would lose its vitality and mystery. Computers come from the same universal reality as humanity, so I believe that we should look at technology in a similar context. Computers are not infallible pieces of nature’s perfection.

I’ve come to learn that computers are great tools for human society. They can be functional in innumerable areas of everyday existence, helping to simplify many aspects of our lives. However, as today I discovered my computer had ‘died’ after a lightning strike had hit my house and subsequent power surge, the realization came that a complete faith in our progressive technology is simply not practical. I’m not saying that like the Luddites of the early era of industrialization we need to destroy this stuff, I’m just saying that we must realize that like all things in life, technology can and will become sick and die on occasion. Working at an Internet Web Hosting company I have been witness to many of these illnesses, and it has been very fortunate that human ‘doctors’ have been present to undertake surgery.

It’s a real bummer when something goes wrong, but these occurrences are necessary in a space-time continuum that is in constant flux. If you are a spiritual person, you might say that there’s only one thing in life to have unwavering faith in: Magical existence itself. You might be asking yourself by now, ‘What is this guy talking about?’ I think I’m just rationalizing the death of my newfound ‘friend’. I’m coming to the point where I understand my old fears were irrational and unfounded, as most fears generally are. However, I’m also wondering about these people out there who have more faith in computers than human beings. For instance, I know of a man who says that he would rather fly in an airplane under automatic pilot instead of the real thing. Human pilots can get drunk the night before and be depressed and hung over right? Whereas computers are completely rational, unemotional and unable to partake in activities deemed by most as unsavory.

The sad fact is computers can break and die. Maybe we need to find a happy medium where inorganic and organic intelligence work in tandem, so that if one half of the partnership fails, the other half can always compensate. Let me tell you I’m quite sad right now, but hey ’shit happens’. I just hope that the ’shit’ isn’t your plane landing in the ocean because of a computer that’s had too much vodka the night before.

Over the centuries, salesmen have had not the best of reputations.

I’ve often wondered why this might be, as they are such truly wonderful persons, possessing many amazing skills and talents that quite elude the majority of the population.

Now, I have come to realise that this has been counter propaganda by many a cuckolded husband down the ages, and think it’s time this was set to rights!

So!

Here are 15 reasons why salesmen ARE the best lovers because …

Salesmen are the best lovers because:

Salesmen are fearless.

They know how to give you their undivided attention.

They don’t take rejection personally.

They treat you like you were the only one …

Salesmen always find a way to get you really, REALLY excited.

They always “go for gold”.

They can make the simplest thing last all afternoon.

Salesmen are enthusiastic.

And very hard working!

They get to know you so they know how they can please you best.

Salesmen don’t give up easily - if at all.

Salesmen do it with a smile!

They are always hungry for more.

They know how to “pump themselves up” before they go to it.

They take all the time you need to get you there.

Salesmen make the best of what they’ve got.

They don’t take “NO!” for an answer …

… and they always look on the bright side of life!

May your days be happy, and your sales plentiful!

Silvia

Silvia Hartmann is the author of “MindMillion”. You can get a FREE Wealth Booster Course with many great bonuses, including the famous “Lego Pitch Page Maker” at http://MindMillion.com/60/

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2006.

ALL THINGS TICKETY-BOO

Or, are you sure everything’s A-Okay?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., Head, Department of the Highly Suspect & Grossly Exaggerated Facts of Life, (more commonly referred to as figments of one’s imagination, farcical flimflam or simply fanciful fluff that often give rise to too much heated debate among ephemeral egg-heads at the Creative Loafing Institute, an under-funded, under-appreciated, and under-the-radar research center situated somewhere in an out-of-the-way closet, cubbyhole, or cubicle at the highly-esteemed University of the Bleeding Obvious).

“Tickety-Boo”, (or the lesser-known “tiggerty-boo”), is a rather titillating tidbit to utter when one feels that “everything’s coming up roses”, “life’s a bowl full of cherries”, or “all’s right with the world”.

It is said that this saucy syllabled adjective originated during the heady days of British colonial rule in India. Nowadays it’s become a curious, quaint, Canadian expression meaning, “good to go”, “in working order” or “running smoothly”.

Trust those inhabitants from the ‘Land of Sasquatch, Snow Forts & Santa Claus’ to come up with some positive thinking to get their minds off the bone-chilling, bun-numbing winter temperatures or having to their find big boots, bug repellant, and bumbershoots during a two-week long wet summer break with three rays of sunshine.

Other versions of “everything’s OK”, “no problem” or “peachy keen” expressions describing one’s attitude to life include a contribution from those ever so charming ‘Yankee Doodle Dandies’ who prefer a word with a little more clout, oomph, and punch like, “hunky-dory”.

So “hunky-dory” aside, just what things do people associate with “tickety-boo”? Well, after an exhaustive investigation of some 40,800 web pages devoted to “tickety-boo”, here are a few fabulous frivolities that might impress the pants off all one’s “know-it-all” friends, or put a sock in the mouth of the obnoxious “been there, done that” types.

** An artist management and small television company in Victoria, B.C. (with a blooming cactus on their homepage…perhaps implying they can transform prickly plants into posh plonk or pin-headed personalities into plucky pixies?)

** A UK company offers handcrafted fairy-boxes, door-pegs, and clocks (for those who are bored with meandering about in the aisles of bix box stores looking for fruit-flavored baking-soda toothpaste, anti-streak and smudge-resistant kitchen detergent, and knee-high hosiery that won’t fall down after the first wearing).

** A British pet, possessions and property-minding service that caters to jet-setters, junket-lovers, and just jaunty retirees willing to pay the price for a hassle-free home security service, (while they buzz off to burn themselves on beaches, bleed profusely from bedbug bites, or just go blotto from one too many Bloody Marys!)

** If you like something that’s charitable, full-bodied, fairly-trade, and nice — then taste some “Tickety-Boo Tea” (…who said itty-bitty baggies aren’t fun?)

** “Super skinny On-One Tickety-Boo rubber grips for maximum control” might just do the trick (…especially if one’s into bikes and not boudoirs!)

** What makes “The Land of Milk And Honey” go round? Buy “Ticketyboo-Nappies” on eBay, (millions of wee wet wunderkinds can’t do without them!)

** On your next trip to Nottingham, do drop by the “Tickety-Boo Day Nursery” (…where Robin Hood & His Merry Men are practicing how to bond with bunnykins not to mention how to change and dispose of dirty diapers in an environmentally-friendly manner without incurring high landfill tipping fees in the 21st century?)

** Need a bleeping boost? …Down this digital ditty entitled, “Tickety-Boo School Tie”! (and maybe you’ll be inspired to write your own wacky or weird tune!)

** “Tickety-Boo Can Do It For You!” (…Especially if you’re a bellyaching bride-to-be or a perturbed princess from up North somewhere who refuses to spin oodles of yarn or sew her own gown without the help of a frumpy fairy godmother who adores playing with pesky pins, naughty needles, and spunky spools of thread!)

** A 62-foot boat with a stern deck built to accommodate a motor scooter, a diesel boiler with fin rads; a small day cabin replete with a galley, L-shaped sofa bed with freezer beneath, wet-locker; a bedroom with a brass double-bed, a loo with a ‘Vacuflush’ toilet system and a curved “Showerlux’ unit (…the only question is will it accommodate mermaids, mermen and other merry monsters of the deep?)

** A delightful, affectionate donkey who loves to be cuddled stroked but doesn’t like to be photographed; (why not call it DNA, a Dysfunctional Nipping Animal?)

So next time when it’s raining cats and dogs, you’ve lost your bumbershoot, and your cell phone won’t work to call a cab, bear in mind that “every cloud has a silver lining”. More to the point, pucker up and put a smile on your face, hum a happy tune from your ripsnorting repertoire, and last of all — remember — it’s up to you to find your own tickety-boo in life!

I had the funniest moment today. I called up a client only to hear the words, “Abby is no longer with us.” Pause. He then proceeded to say, “She hasn’t passed away, she’s just not with our company anymore. I didn’t want you to think she was dead.” I was in a work mode, so I was a little slow on the uptake. However, he made me think how often we don’t clarify ourselves so that what we say can be taken in the right or wrong way. Misunderstandings were best played out in the immortal, “Three’s Company”. That crazy Jack Tripper. But, I digress.

Take an email for example. It has no tone, or personality. In our quest for quick, responsive communication, email has become almost rude. We ignore ‘em, don’t address people properly, open them and promptly forget them, place high importance priorities (!) on emails that aren’t urgent, misspell, lack the proper grammar or punctuation (spell check isn’t foolproof) and capitalize letters which are equivalent to SHOUTING! We know of “Road Rage”, but there’s also the wrath of the email that’s slowly terrorizing the countryside. No one has been killed so far on account of an email, but remember this caution and advice if you email colleagues and clients. Don’t take for granted picking up the phone or speaking face to face to clarify issues and make deals. ‘Cause maybe you’ll hear the same thing being said about you, “So-and-so is no longer with us.” Maybe we won’t think it’s terribly funny when our ex-company is saying the same thing about us.

Respectfully In Memoriam of John Ritter-1948-2003