The Jeffrey And Tracey Info Emporium

We all know the general rules of the gym: don’t drop the
weights, wipe your sweat off the machines when you’re done, etc.
But do you know all about the more “colorful”, lesser known
rules of the gym?

NOTE: These rules are JOKES! If you ever see any of these rules
posted at any gym you ever go to, please take a picture for me!

1. Don’t blow your nose in the water fountain.

This is a crude habit and can contribute to the spread of colds
and viruses. Besides, that’s what the gym towels are for…

2. No smoking on the cardio machines.

Those little circular spots are water-bottle holders, not
ashtrays. If you need a cigarette that badly when you’re working
out, tape one to the pulldown bar and take a drag on it as a
reward for each rep you do.

3. When spotting someone on bench press, be sure to wipe your
face first.

You are not a stalactite, and dripping sweat into someone’s eye
is not a good way to make friends.

4. If you choose to wear cologne or perfume to the gym, please
don’t marinate in it.

If the person on the stair machine next to you lights up a
cigarette, you could both be seriously injured.

5. Those stands that have all the weight plates on them should
not be used for holding your donuts.

Your donuts will end up with a terrible metallic taste that even
the coffee in your water bottle won’t be able to get out of your
mouth.

6. The Crunch Machine is not a vending machine for candy bars.

Please don’t try to put money into this machine. It’s for
working your abdominals. You will never, EVER get a Nestle’s
Crunch bar out of it.

7. Even though the gym has stair machines, it is not required by
law to have elevator machines.

Please stop asking about this at the reception desk.

8. Pick up after your dog when you walk him on the treadmill.

No explanation necessary.

9. If you have a habit of spraying spit when you lift, ensure
there is no one in your target area.

It’s bad enough that the mirrors by the squat rack look like a
St. Bernard shook himself in front of them.

10. Do not give yourself C.P.R. when doing bench presses.

Bouncing the bar heavily off your ribcage instead of pressing it
properly may cause damage to the bar and voids the warranty on
the bench. Besides that, you don’t want your spotter feeling as
though he’s dribbling a barbell down the court do you?

11. Beer and/or liquor in your water bottle are prohibited.

Unless, of course, you bring enough for everybody. This also
goes for mochaccinos, frappaccinos, and anything with an
umbrella in it.

12. Use the rowing machine at your own risk.

If it sinks, there are no lifeguards on duty.

Following these rules to the best of your ability will ensure a
pleasant exercise experience for everyone.

Thank you.

Ah, blogs. If you’re like me (and many others building their or someone else’s business), you may have created a web log to communicate more intimately and more frequently with your audience. It’s supposed to be easy. After all, the technology is simple, the style casual and the content brief.

But after the initial wave of enthusiasm, you may find it increasingly difficult to generate ideas for the blog that began with so many thoughts – and so many posts – just a few months ago. Worse, you might be guiding a boss or colleague who may not be a fluent writer, but is the appropriate representative whose voice must be present in the Blogosphere.

How do you help that person refresh her well of inspiration when she’s run out of ideas to draw upon? Tape the following list of ideas, prompts and suggestions over her monitor. Chances are, one of the following blog formats will give her just enough push to get through the next post.

1) Announce something
The most obvious choice: announce something new and noteworthy, like a product release or an upcoming seminar. Keep in mind that the best content is both germane to your organization and relevant to your audience. If your blog is aimed at investors, don’t hammer them with technical data; likewise, if you are indeed speaking to techies, don’t waste their time with personnel notifications.

Blog bonus point: Humility rules. Traditionally, announcements have been made via press releases to the media, where some hyperbole (“…the cutting-edge in process management solutions…”) has been tolerable. But blogs are like cocktail hour conversations and any affectation of superiority comes across as rude.

In your blog, instead of trumpeting the importance of your announcement, ask for feedback. Suggest that readers take a look at your product, article or whatever, and request their input. Rather than playing the role of Prometheus carrying fire from the gods, be one of the gang – and write as if your subject were something that would be improved by their contributions.

2) Respond to an article or news item
Stuck? Pick up the paper. Or visit a website that offers news relevant to your industry. Then follow your gut: the more visceral your response, whether it’s in ardent support of the author’s message or in hostile reaction to it, the more likely it will inspire a passionate and interesting blog post.

Blog bonus point: Consider directing your readers to an unexpected source of insight. Much of the time, it’s entirely appropriate to discuss the stories that appear in the sources most relevant to your industry; they form, after all, a common ground you’re all likely to share. But once in awhile, it’s a great idea to dig up a nugget of insight from an unlikely source.

In my copywriting blog, for example, I once directed my readers to a Wall Street Journal movie review that discussed the career of the late director Alexander Mackendrick. What did it have to do with copywriting? Deep within the article was Mackendrick’s keen observation about storytelling: “A story in which someone wants or yearns for something becomes dramatic only when obstacles to the wanting are established.” By discussing a source outside of the norms for copywriters, I guided my readers to something they wouldn’t have discovered in the usual copywriting references. And I reinforced my blog’s value as a resource for ideas not found everywhere else.

3) Reflect on an event
Meetings, seminars, speaking events, conferences and more – your industry probably offers dozens, if not hundreds, each year. Why not post about the ones you attend? And offer your perspective on the ideas discussed?

Blog bonus point: Bring in your observations about the attendees, as well as the speakers. Chances are, there’s a web page somewhere that offers summaries of the presentation content. But as an actual attendee, you can offer insight into something the summaries will not provide: the reactions of the audience. How did they respond — with enthusiasm, boredom or hostility? Were there a lot of questions? Any good ones worth repeating? By reporting audience reactions, you offer important insight to non-attendees that probably will not be available anywhere else.

4) Respond to a reader’s concerns
Blogs are supposed to encourage “dialog,” yet too many posts sound like voices in the wilderness. Or like that tipsy uncle who just doesn’t know when to shut up. Look at the best “guru” blogs and you’ll see that the bloggers take pains to build posts around comments and e-mails they receive. You build confidence and credibility when you explicitly address issues raised by your readers.

Blog bonus point: Prime the pump by inviting reader questions and comments. And be explicit: it’s perfectly acceptable (and even wise) to end your posts with, “What do you think?” or “Has anyone else experienced this?” With a few simple questions, you can gather material for future posts while encouraging greater reader involvement in your blog.

5) Share a personal anecdote
Good blogs make personal connections and one of the most effective ways to strengthen these bonds is buy sharing your own personal stories: your first sales call, an unusual contract negotiation, an unexpected windfall to harvest or a disaster to recover from.

Your real-life memories, warts and all, may offer subtle shades of insight that are often obscured by larger theories or “best practices.” They provide crucial details text books can not, and they add that extra seasoning of empathy – of allowing readers to walk in your shoes – that can give your message added urgency.

Blog bonus point: Don’t be afraid to reveal a mistake or weakness. You don’t have to be a superhero to your readers; in fact, they’d prefer to see you as one of them. So don’t neglect those stories of failure, lost opportunity or disappointment – your hard-won wisdom may be your blogs most precious gift to readers.

And one extra tip:
Leave comments on other blogs you read and admire. The ensuing conversation may inspire your next post. At the very least, it’s likely to draw interested readers back to your own blog.

Jonathan Kranz is the author of Writing Copy for Dummies, http://kranzcom.com/book.html, and the principal of Kranz Communications, http://kranzcom.com, a marketing communications and public relations writing firm specializing in B2B and consumer services marketing.

I arose to a windy, brisk November day and am rushing to make the 33-mile drive to work. A quick check of the watch tells me I have time to stop at the post office, in a village along the way, to mail a letter to my publisher. Dashing into the post office, I pass a lone, old woman, shrunken from age, cane in hand, leaning against the signpost. She is dressed far too lightly for this near winter weather.

I think, “Is she OK? Does she need help?” as I hurry through the door, secretly hoping that she is not there upon my exit.

The wait at the window was longer than anticipated. With mission accomplished, I head out. The woman still stands in the same place as before. Compassion flows within, but I have other tasks to do.

Then, I stop and turn, “Are you OK? Can I help?”

A feeble voice speaks of Cornerstone, a place unfamiliar to me in an unfamiliar town. She motions, taking my arm, as we cross the street. Oh, so slowly, we walk much farther than I anticipated. We don’t say much as I help her, she mainly motioning where we are headed. Along the way, people speak to us, I, in my business attire, and she, in her ragged clothes. About 15 minutes later I lead her to Cornerstone, a local restaurant on the downtown corner. As we approach the entrance, a man, perhaps the owner, opens the door, as if expecting her, and leads her in as I bid farewell.

The meeting I was rushing to started late anyway. However, it didn’t seem quite as important as before. Somehow, helping that elderly woman touched deep within me and put some perspective on priorities. I smiled much more that day!

Bob Casey is a poet, writer, educator, speaker, and presenter. He has cycled, hiked, sailed, and traveled to many far off destinations. He also spent a year on a teaching Fulbright in New Zealand. His many interests, include yoga, Tai Chi, skiing, cycling, photography, and wine collecting. “Poet Bob,” as his car license plate declares, is currently president of the Ohio Poetry Association. This position allows him to interact with some of America’s best poets. His first book, The Wanderer: A Poetical Journey published in 2002, focused on his around the world trip and the insights gained. His most recent book, Wisdom from the Journey, offers a diverse selection of poems, comments, vignettes, and recommendations complied from the “best” of his monthly e-zine, the Poetical Journal, which reaches over 13,000 subscribers worldwide. As one reader states, “…In a world of discontent, malice, greed and wars, the Poetical Journal is an oasis to nourish the soul.” His next book will be out late in 2006. To read more of his work, go to http://www.poeticaljourneys.com

Many people want to know if acne products really work? In the old days you could only get your non-prescription acne products from the drug store but now in the information age there are so many different acne products available from a great many sources.

How many of us have been awake to see the late night infomercials on acne medications that are supposed to have been developed by some brilliant doctor selling for $39.95.

Then there are millions of books as well as countless articles that boast that they have discovered the magical acne cure. Lets not forget the natural acne cure recipes that can be downloaded for only $9.99. There are also those infamous best acne treatment lists or the “we have the cure for acne” sites that get peoples attention because of the definite need.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not at all a skeptic, I just know that what may be a cure for one persons acne may only be a treatment for someone else’s. One person may be allergic to some home remedies for acne while others respond well to laser treatment. Everyone needs to find a treatment that is best for them.

The best treatment for some people is to use laser surgery. This is often expensive and not covered by insurance because it is considered cosmetic. I have met people that were happy with the results. They felt more confident and the results were immediate where as using acne medications took time.

Many people opt for the expensive over the counter acne products and medications. This choice seems to work best for them and they are patient and when they see results they are happy and if not they are open to other forms of acne treatment.

Watching those late night infomercials with the before and after photo shots and tearful testimonials is very convincing. I mean some of these products are reasonable while some are not but it is worth a try for people who have been plagued sometimes for years with this unsightly and uncomfortable skin condition.

Then there witch hazel, benzoyl peroxide and many others that you can get over the counter in most drug stores to use for an acne treatment. People that suffer with mild cases of acne respond well to common natural acne treatments . Natural acne treatments are a favorite for some because they are less abrasive and rejuvenate the skin.

There is an acne treatment, medication or product on the market that has worked for someone at some time or another. All acne treatments work for all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time but never all of the people all of the time. So people need to research and try many available acne products and acne treatments until they find one that works well for them.

Are you sick and tired of having acne?

Clear your skin naturally in only a couple weeks with Acuzine Acne Capsules.

Read the online press release about Acne Free in 3 Days

Stress and anxiety seem to be the health issues we are dealing with these days. So many people dealing with too much work, too many bills, not enough peace and quiet. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could get away, to a beautiful place of peace and quiet, for even just five minutes a day?

During this article, you will learn how to create an Inner Sanctuary. A place where you can go, that no-one else can visit. You won’t be disturbed by the phone, or the kids, or traffic, it won’t cost you anything to go there, and there’s no travel. You can spend as little or as much time there as you choose, and visit as often as you like.

The Inner Sanctuary is not a cure-all for the stress of daily living, it is important to develop a number of tools to help you live a healthier life. However, the Sanctuary is a very helpful and powerful tool and is easy for anyone to use.

Creating your Inner Sanctuary is a very simple exercise. You don’t even have to know how to meditate. By simply using your imagination, you can develop the most wonderful place, solely for your use.

Here are some guidelines to help you:-

• Choose a place of nature, a forest, a beach, a desert, whatever feels peaceful to you.

• Include running water somewhere in your place, a waterfall, a pool, the ocean are all wonderful choices.
• If you live in a mainly hot climate, make sure there is plenty of shade and cool in your sanctuary. Likewise, if you live in a cold area, have lots of snuggly areas, you could even create a cosy little cabin with a fireplace, or choose somewhere warm like the beach.
• Remember that you can add or change areas to your Sanctuary, any time you choose.

Once you have designed your sanctuary, try it out. Using your imagination, feel yourself walking around, breathing in the clean, fresh air, floating in the water, washing off the cobwebs and tiredness under the waterfall. Sinking deep into the cool earth to be replenished, nourished and nurtured. Recognise that there is no time here, no pressure, no expectations. This is a place of healing and nurturing, pure freedom. Breathe slowly the whole time you are here, this regulates your body’s rhythms and calms you down.

Take your time developing your relationship with this place. This is always meant to be a place of peace, healing and joy for you, so make sure you use it to clear away any stress or frustration. Swimming, wading in water or standing under a waterfall is a wonderful way to clear away the dust and dirt of living. Once you’ve cleared up the stress, spend a bit of time enjoying the peace of your sanctuary before returning to the physical world.

After a while of visiting this Sanctuary, you will find that you can visit it for just a few seconds at work when you are feeling harrassed, or in a traffic jam where feelings of frustration build so quickly, and harmony is restored.

Now that you have your Inner Sanctuary, it is important to make use of it. Not just in quiet times at home, but also in your toilet break at work and other times of stress. The more you use it, the better you will get at dealing with stress and frustration.

Daniella Breen B.Sc. (Psych) has been practicing meditation for most of her life and has been a Meditation Instructor for 9 years. You will find some of her Guided Meditations available free to copy at http://www.ShamanGoddess.com and at her forum linked from that site. Finally, Daniella does design personal meditation for specific issues or focuses. This service is also available at her site.

Any individual or company that has contacts with individuals or other companies who might be interested in trading forex online, either by themselves or through a forex broker can become a forex Introducing Broker.

Below are some typical examples of companies that can become successful forex Introducing Brokers (IBs). This list is not exhaustive, so if you don’t see a description of your company type or your personal background, you can check out any forex broker online.

Independent Financial Advisers

Successful Forex Traders

Banks

Insurance companies

Advertising companies

Organisers of financial seminars

Estate agents

Sales Executives with interested* client base

Any business professional with interested* clients

*How do you know if your contacts are interested in the forex markets?

If your contacts are the kind of people who satisfy all or some of the following criteria, then the chances are that they might be interested in trading forex. And this means that you can earn commissions from introducing them to a forex broker:

Previous experience in trading online

Want professionals to trade for them

There are few prospects that offer individual or commercial entrepreneurs more benefits than those provided by becoming an introducing broker in the online foreign exchange business. These benefits are driving more and more ambitious individuals and companies to offer their customers and contacts a direct route to trading currencies online and/or investing their money in professionally managed forex accounts.

Qualified businesses and individuals across the world take advantage of the rapid growth of the forex market via an introducing broker relationship. If you want to be one of them, read the section below on why you should become an Introducing Broker.

Below, I have listed just some of the advantages of becoming an Introducing Broker for an online forex brokerage:

Introducing Brokers - Why should you become one?

Your benefits

• Provide your customers and contact with access to the freedom that comes from actively trading their own money online on secure forex trading platforms.
• Increase the number of investment and money-making opportunities you offer your clients and network, which in turn improves the scope and reputation of your own business and can lead to greater client retention levels.

• You are paid a commission based on the trading volume of the clients you refer. For your clients, this doesn’t mean that they pay more. You are remunerated exclusively by the forex broker out of his profit from your referred clients.

• You can receive daily reports on the commissions you generate through the clients you refer to your forex broker. This enables you to monitor the growth of you new business online, 24 hours a day.

• You can take advantage of the explosive growth in the demand for alternative investments by offering your high-net worth clients a managed forex account. By introducing clients to a managed forex account, you gain because their investments are being managed by professionals and this increases your reputation as a quality financial services provider.

• It’s easy to get started as an Introducing Broker. In fact, if you simply decide you want to introduce clients for a commission based on their trade volume (which is the most popular type of Introducing Broker agreement), then all you need is a relationship with a couple of forex brokers.

• You can leverage the potential in your existing customer base or commercial relationships by constantly improving the level and depth of financial services you provide.

• Your clients often gain better service from you (if you choose to manage your relationship with them directly. The reason for this is that most forex brokers are international and that means that they may not have the in-depth expertise or understanding of your clients specific needs as you do. This improves your service offering and assists in building client loyalty.

• Your own Swiss bank account. A few forex brokers even provide Introducing Brokers with their own Swiss bank account where all commissions are paid. The advantages of having your own Swiss bank account are well known, but there are some great free guides to Swiss banking on the net.

Your clients’ benefits

• Your clients can trade forex whenever they choose. The forex market is the most liquid and most actively traded market in the world. This means that 24 hours a day from Sunday evening 22:00 CET until Friday evening 22:00 CET they can decide for themselves when they want to trade and when they want time off.

• Your clients get free account management services to make their online forex trading even easier. All reputable forex brokers provide a complete back office (account management) system, free of charge to all clients.

• Your clients can diversify their investment into online forex trading. More and more investors and traders choose to spread their risk by investing in a number of capital market products, such as stocks, forex, futures etc.

• Your clients do not have to be investment wizards. Anyone can learn how to trade forex in a few hours. In fact, most forex brokers provide in-depth training in how to use their systems.

Getting started as an Introducing Broker

Make sure that the forex broker you choose to become an Introducing Broker for provides all the assistance you require to grow your new business.

The best ones in the market will provide you with the support, materials and training you need so that you can promote their online currency services to your clients and contacts in the most informed and compelling way as possible.

John Gaines
Forex brokers

Electronic books – that is books you read on the computer- have the same information and entail the same reading experience as books in the traditional form – that is books you actually hold in your hands. An ebook looks just like a Microsoft document but it is transformed into an ebook format such as PDF where the reader cannot make any changes to the document. There are other points of comparisons of ebooks and just regular books.

Anybody can buy an ebook the traditional way, just walk into a bookstore but with ebooks you have to have a computer and internet connection and also a credit card which presupposes your finances are in good order for the bank to allow you a credit card while with a traditional book no matter your financial situation even if you do not have a credit card you can purchase one as long as you have some money.

Suppose you were looking for a book on a particular subject and your local physical bookstore does not carry books on such subjects you can always find books on such subjects on the net (and even subjects you have never dreamed of) and you can purchase a book from someone halfway around the world and have it in minutes!

An ebook is not a book you can physically hold in your hands and it can be irritating to sit in front of your computer to read an entire book while you can curl up with a traditional book anywhere but with ebook readers this make ebooks portable just as the traditional books.

You flick through pages of a traditional book but you scroll down the pages of an ebook.

You can make copies of a traditional book with a photocopier while with ebooks with just a click of a button in mere seconds you can make an entire copy of a book.

You cannot hold ebooks in your hands but the pages will never yellow no matter how long you have it nor get doggie ears no matter how much you read it. The pages will always be crisp and new as the day you bought it (unless your computer is invaded by a worm which destroys all documents on your computer).

About The Author

This article was written by Shadha of www.shadha.com. She is the author of (THIRD WORLD EXPERIMENT)My Collection of Poems which is a collection of the most revolutionary, intriging and absorbing writings you’ll ever read

shadha@wevolutions.com

If you think only the smart ones can read faster, then guess again. Anyone can improve their reading speed without sacrificing their comprehension skills. Being able to read faster means that you have more information at your disposal. Having this ability will give you a decided edge at any endeavor – especially in school, at work, or even during leisure.

Some people have developed their reading skills to the point that they can read an entire book in one sitting. For ordinary people that still have to read aloud or point at what they are reading to keep track of where they are, this can prove to be quite frustrating. However, there is a secret to unlock your reading skills so that they can dramatically increase exponentially.

The secret is increasing the periphery of your vision and exercising your eye muscles.

When you read, your eye leaps from one position on the page to another. This is called a saccade. Some people can only read one word per saccade. This forces them to perform numerous saccades per line of text. Faster readers can absorb more text per line; this results in fewer saccades per line of text. The fastest of them all can even swallow in a whole paragraph per glance.

Now if you think this is just some freak ability, you will be in for a surprise. It is possible to decrease the number of saccades per page and the speed of leaps between saccades.

To improve your ability to absorb words per saccade, you will have to perform some exercises to train your mind to absorb more. Some people are taught to read one word at a time. This is good for beginners. But as you grow older and get better at reading, you will need to be able to increase this through practice.

You do not have to concern yourself with comprehension at first. Just try to expand the focus of your mind as you go through groups of words. Try exercising this by scanning through a text document with emphasis on speed and word recognition. Contrary to what some believe, your mind is neither slow nor limited to a certain number of words per minute. If you train your eyes to scan and recognize quickly, your mind will follow suit.

After this sort of exercise, you will want to test your comprehension next. You could use any book to perform this, or you could use a reading application especially designed for this purpose.

There are numerous eye-movement exercises to help your eye muscles react more quickly and to help you read faster. These exercises involve lateral eye movements and are good warm ups for reading activities.

When practicing your speed reading, remember that rest is very important. Do not overstress your eyes, and give them a few minutes break after 20 minutes of reading. This will give your eyes a chance to refocus and rest a bit from reading movements.

Given proper reading training and techniques, one may be able to increase his or her reading speed by as much as four times upon the first few days of training. This is an exponential increase in the inflow of knowledge and information in person. Why don’t you try a speed reading program today? It will definitely increase your enjoyment and acquisition of knowledge, and will definitely show you that reading is not just for the smart ones.

You can find out more on how to effectively double your reading speed and accelerate your learning abilities to the extreme at the free Speed Reading Online Training Course

We have seen all of those infomercials and magazine ads that promote their best abdominal exercise routines and then promise you that you will have sexy abs in just a few short workouts. Then they further insult our intellegence by trying to convince us by showing us their “before and after” photos.

These ads should make you shake your head in disgust! There really are no magical ab workouts, spot reducing (you can’t pick areas that you would like to trim down), or crazy machines that will give you those washboard abs. The amazing fact I believe about all of these ads is - they never talk about dieting! Hard work and dieting is the only real way to lose that thick layer of fat and reveal some spectactular abs!

The best abdominal exercise is really a pretty simple and successful one - crunches and reverse crunches, that’s it! Work your abs 2-3 times per week. The abdominals are no different than working out any other part of your body. Training them more than two or three times a week will not give the muscles proper time to repair themselves.

What you really need to do when performing these two exercises is, concentrate on contracting your abdominal muscles as tight as you can. I like contracting for a count of three. This will causes your abs to fatigue faster. Don’t worry about how many reps you do, concentrate on contracting your abdominal muscles. I believe crunches and reverse crunches are the best abdomial exercise routines you can perform. If you do not like getting on the floor to do these exercises I can recommend the ab lounge. This chair will give you the range of motion needed allowing you to contract and expand those pesky ab muscles. Oh yeah - don’t forget to reduce those calories if you want all of that hard work to pay off!

Please visit Ultimate Fitness Equipment for all of your fitness needs. If you are interested on more information regarding the Ab Lounge Chair please do so.

When it comes to fundamentalist preachers, there is nothing quite like the way they choose to express themselves from the pulpit. What they say, in and of itself, can be quite amazing. Such as the recent flap with Mrs. Benny Hinn, tryng her darndest to give a ranting good sermon for the masses and making a complete fool out of herself. In the typical breathless rant of evangelical showmanship, she told the audience what they needed was “a Holy Ghost enema, right up their butts.” Honest, that was what she said and she repeated it. She then went on to tell the audience not to be “butt kissers.” Having realized that she probably had crossed a few too many lines, she tried to recover by saying that people like her just have that kind of humor but was too late and the tape spread around the world, and not in a good way. She then went into a pacing frenzy back and forth until she broke her shoe and told the audience they didn’t need shoes anyway, they needed to put on combat boots for Jesus. I guess this got her out of the shoe breakage embarassment. The end came merciful when she fell flat on her face, on stage, and everyone started clapping as if this was of God and the perfect ending to a perfect sermon. It was pathetic and the scary part is that not one person in the audience got up and said “I’m out of here.” They loved it.

The fact is that nothing she said in the “sermon” was helpful. Nothing she said was correct and practically nothing she said was anythng but an attempt to appear inspiring and ending up being absolutely foolish. Poor Mr. Hinn was so angry that the video was playing around the world, he threatened those who showed it, from what I understand. I don’t blame him. What a time at the ‘ol breakfast table next day that must have been!

What is it about fundamentalist preachers that some seemingly have to loose their minds and common sense in an avalanche of “techniques” that leave most educated people laughing themselves sick? Do they not realize they are being laughed at?

When a preacher tells the audience that the reason Bathsheba was called Bathesheba was due to the fact that as King David oggled her from the roof top, she was taking a BATH!

I’m not kidding, I heard it with my own ears and wrote the man suggesting that had she been taking a shower, we would have known her as SHOWER-Sheba. The man was simply ignorant and I almost drove off the road laughing. On the other hand, it was pathetic and I often wonder if any in his congregation called him out on that little piece of ignorance. Sometimes I wonder at the audience more than the preacher.

What can be said from the pulpit can be amazingly silly or incredibly harmful. Pat Robertson tells us that hurricanes are from God punishing New Orleans or that Ariel Sharon’s stroke is from God for giving up part of the West Bank to people who also need a real place to live. His coments are wrong, ignorant, foolish and dangerous in these prounouncements. He suddenly saw the light (most will do that when you challenge a particular piece of ignorance and never do when never challenged) when the State of Israel cancelled his affiliation with them and one of his pet projects in Israel, but it was too late. Good for them to put a price on speaking foolishness from the pulpit. I guess the State of Israel was able to uninspire Pat’s inspired comments. God, I suppose, was forced to recind His inspiration and give into the current dilemma.

Time would fail to account for all the ignorance that comes from the pulpits of men and women not trained, not educated, not informed and not accountable for their presentations. Sanctified ignorance is still ignorance as far as we can tell.

There were dinosaurs on the ark…wrong

Earth is just 6000 years old…wrong

Our church is the only true church on earth…wrong

Evolution is a doctrine of Satan…wrong

Dancin is a doctrine of Satan…wrong

Whatever you ask in Jesus name, you will have…wrong

“I am God’s true representative on earth and I am compelled to say these things…” wrong

If you tithe, God will bless you and pour out the windows of heaven to you…wrong

God is doing this…wrong

God is doing that…wrong

Jesus thinks this of that…wrong

Jesus thinks that of this…wrong

“I know I am going very long on this sermon..but you need to hear this…” wrong

“You need to put the Church and bible study and being here first in your life…” wrong

…and on and on and on such that it would behove most preachers of this way of being to join On and On Anonymous!

Perhaps most irritating and pathetic of all is the WAY that many Evangelical, TV and Fundamentalist preachers present themselves. What’s with the cadance from hell in the presentation? What’s with the “eh” “eh” “eh” at the end of every sentence. I realize physiologically it helps them breath or they would pass out, and while it may be “tradition” it is past useful for educated parishioners. Maybe that’s the problem too.

What’s with the yelling? Always yelling and always giving the appearance that they are angry. Preachers are angry a lot as they think they can’t be a Preacher without their righteous indignation showing for every last thing on the planet they decide is evil and needs the iron rod of Jesus to smack down.

I listened to a preacher this morning coming in to work just to see if he would pass out and go absolutely speechless trying to yell, speak and breathe at the same time. I don’t think he missed one human foible in his presentation that he was not bashing his congregation over the head with. Sometimes I sense “me thinks thou protesteth too much.” I have learned that far more often than one thinks, just monitor what topics the preacher rails upon repeatedly and you might have a good hint at what troubles his own ignorant soul. Every minister in my personal experience who was known to rail against this or that “sex problem” was wrestling with it himself. Projection is something that most congregants of fundamentalist preachers don’t understand.

No one can slaughter the English language like a preacher gone berserk behind the pulpit. Imagine a meeting at IBM or the Oval Office (well there I can ;), conducted in that tone and style and you will find someone being escorted off the premisis looking for a new job.

Sermons are full of nonsensical phrases and pronounciations. If you were to write down what was said and read it back, it would sound ridiculous. From “Jaaa..eeeeeezus says,” to “days (there is) a time a commin…” an intelligent and meaningful presentation is lost in a flurry of emotion and slobber. HOW you say something for many preachers far outweighs whether what one says is even true. Remember, in fact, science by nature of being science has to be accurate and admit mistakes. At this moment, we have some very embarassed and angry South Korean scientists who have found out and admitted that their recent cloaning projects were bogus. Sorry about that, but good for them.

Preachers not only rarely admit to mistakes, but seem to have a need to perpetuate the error. Since God is never wrong, they never are not wrong either, since they think they both speak and are inspired by this outside force called “God.” Simply ask yourself how many times you have ever heard a preacher or church say it was wrong when it said this or that and you will understand what I mean. Because of this, many fundamentalist sermons are delivered in angry, emotional, threatening and self righteous tones. I can only imagine what some of the kids are thinking as they watch the show. Often they will tell you years later how nuts the church the grew up in was.

Every scientific fact that the church has ever made fun of as being contradicted by the Bible, they have eventually had to admit to being correct. Of course, many do not, and never will, Praise Jesus for my ignorance because “the wisdom of man is foolishness with God,” and “my ways are not YOUR ways..saith the Lord.” Preachers hid a lot of ignorance behind those two quotes.

It just took the Pope 350 years to apologize for almost burning Galileo at the stake for thinking earth was not the center of the solar system and the sun circled it. He didn’t apologize for actually doing it to nameless others. Science has yet to acknowledge one Biblical allegory as being literally true in their actual findings. Eventually, the “facts” the church promotes in areas where they don’t know what they are talking about, falls to the real facts. More so now in these days of easy access to the internet for information not formerly available to the average person.

And so sometimes we have to ask ourselves, “what is our chillins learning in Church from such preachers?”

For starters, they are learning:

Yelling trumps teaching.

Good grammar doesn’t count in church.

God is a consuming fire if you question the preacher.

Emotions trump good information.

One can be ill-programmed for life and not realize it.

Brains and YOUR intelligence and common sense indeed can be checked at the door when you go to your church.

Preachers are never wrong.

YOU are seldom right.

“Jaaaaaaheeeezus” loves the sinner but hates the sin, but it sure sounds like he hates the sinner too.

Mom or Dad never seem to think what I think the preacher says and does is stupid..something must be wrong with me.

God and Jesus must be raving lunatics if this man or woman is his personal representative on earth to me.

Narcissism must be a spiritual gift.

Take some time and just listen to the words of those that fit these ways of speaking for God. Watch the antics they feel they have to use to convince. If your head says “it must be so” while your tummy says “no no no”, go with the tummy. It will tell you the truth of what you are feeling more accurately and you won’t feel like something is wrong with you for observing that, while sincere, this man is really not qualified to teach me who and what God is and what he is or isn’t doing on good ‘ol planet earth. You’ll also be able to more genuinely answer the question your kids are asking themselves, whether you know it or not. “Dad, why is the preacher yelling, and why does he talk so funny?”