The Jeffrey And Tracey Info Emporium

3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices
by Tim Ward

I have heard the rumblings of many of you in
Readerland about the recent spike in
gasoline prices. In fact it’s all I seem to
hear about lately. But at least it keeps you
from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns
and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to
try to help you get through this crisis by
generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising
Gas Prices!

1. Don’t Drive Your Car

This is, of course, the most obvious solution.
If you never take the old Plymouth out the
driveway, then it won’t matter that at current
gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon
gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles
to the gallon. If you never drive, you could
care less.

Of course, I know what you’re going to say. “But
Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And
the kids have school and soccer practice. And
then there’s grocery shopping and yoga lesssons
and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah
and….” Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can
sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles
and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore
photos like me. I fully understand that some of
you have a life. But just because you don’t drive
your own car doesn’t mean you can’t get around.
The answer?

2. Carpool

It’s seems so simple now doesn’t it. Instead of
using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else
pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to
school. Make someone else dip into their retirement
fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to
get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone
else get a second job so that they can have a full
tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs
to cruise the mall. It’s so simple.

Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that
everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool
situation you would eventually be required to use
your car and spend your money driving others around.
But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is
a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you
avoid using your own car by making it so that the other
carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120
degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:

(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it
looking and smelling like the county landfill.

(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting
in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of
candy so he/she is always superhyper.

(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your
spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails,
chest hair, etc.

(d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud!

You shouldn’t have to worry about anyone wanting to
ride with you ever again.

3. Ride the Bus/Subway

Many cities have a mass transit system that is an
alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live
in a city that doesn’t have one don’t worry-you can
always move. Of course, riding public transportation
does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily
overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:

1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact
with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for
someone to mug you.

2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat
to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken
as an invitation to mug you.

3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up
a conversation with the person sitting next or across
from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an
invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone
to talk back.

4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the
right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to
immediate mugging.

5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation.
Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite
mug victim material.

Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices.
Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep
from spending twice your car’s Blue Book value just going
to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling
and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to
just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer
concerns you. Hopefully, I’ve once more helped my loyal readers
in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple
thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we’re not on
the bus. I’d hate to have to mug you…

About the Author

Timothy Ward publishes the Ward Wide Webzine, a publication that refuses to bring you anything but the best articles and internet marketing tips. it is also slam-packed with humor and laughs. Subscribers are expected to interact through contest and submissions. To subscribe now visit:
http://www.wardwidewebzine.goduck.net

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005

CALENDAR OF ODD EVENTS
– Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in June 2005 -

If June is “bust’n out all over”, you’re probably a green-thumb type, a frisky cowpoke, or perhaps just a “Hot Foot powder” aficionado.

On the other hand, maybe you’re one of those testy technical types who are rather relieved to know that we’re half way through the Gregorian calendar.

Besides celebrating “Clean Air” day (time to let those soiled socks in one’s bottom drawer see the light of day), it’s also time to honor fathers everywhere by giving them a token of your appreciation …a flipping flyswatter!

So without further adieu, before bidding a fond farewell and after a few giggling good-byes…perhaps take a glance at what’s in store for the jolly month of June.

June 1 - CLEAN AIR APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor those with a compelling need to air their dirty linen in public or engage in a natural urge to break wind in elevators).

June 2 - NO IMPROVEMENT NECESSARY DAY (For all those “I’m all right Jack/Jill” people you know who are fine and dandy just the way they are thank you!)

June 3 - PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD DAY (Vanquishing one’s veggies, eating giggling Jell-O with a fork and mashed mayhem never looked like so much fun!)

June 4 - GEMINI APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor all those heavenly twins you know who are also restless, impractical, gossipy, nervous and a tad capricious or fickle).

June 5 - SUCCESS OBJECT RECOGNITION DAY (Time to flaunt whatever makes you feel like a King or Queen including your newly renovated throne room if you wish).

June 6 - NATIONAL KICK-THE-CAN DAY (When the going gets tough, it’s nice to know one can harrumph, utter a hearty grunt, or kick the daylights out of a trash can).

June 7 - INTERNATIONAL BELLY-DANCING DAY (It’s never too late to flaunt your flab, wag your tail and do the hoochy-koochy ’cause that’s what life’s all about!)

June 8 - SANDBOX APPRECIATION DAY (Time to whip out the shovels, pails, beach balls and water balloons; play fair …no pulling hair and no tattle-tales please!)

June 9 - JUG BAND DAY (For all those folks who can’t hold a tune but can play a kazoo, a pennywhistle, and drum on pots…now who says that aint’ music!)

June 10 - NATIONAL TOOTH FAIRY APPRECIATION DAY (In honor of the Goddess-of-Grin-&-Bear-It and those who yank chompers all day long for a living).

June 11 - FINGERNAIL FASHION DAY (Time to decorate those delightful digits with clashing colors, stylish sparkle, or perhaps even super-size them for a change!)

June 12 - NOT-YOUR-AVERAGE-ART DAY (A fine way to honor the messy munchkin inside you with plenty of papier-mché, finger-paints, or oodles of play-doh!)

June 13 - TEFLON SUIT APPRECIATION DAY (In honor of those who manage to survive by letting all manner of things slide off their backs and onto someone else’s!)

June 14 - NAUGHTY T-SHIRT DAY (A way to pacify the politically-incorrect people in your life who have a bad habit of buying novelty t-shirts with raunchy, ribald retorts).

June 15 - LOOPY LIBRARY DAY (Time to look for a book with a really weird title to amaze your friends, family, or colleagues at work just to see the look on their faces!)

June 16 - HOITY-TOITY, HIGHFALUTIN & HIGH-MUCK-A-MUCK APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor all the la-di-da ladies you know not to mention the other pompous, pretentious and puffed up people, flighty and frivolous folks or snobby and snooty sorts by throwing them all a stylish swine & dirty-foot cheese party of course!)

June 17 - NATIONAL SWING & TEETER-TOTTER APPRECIATION DAY (Time to test every playground swing and teeter-totter in town just for the heck of it!)

June 18 - NATIONAL PET-PEEVE DAY (Name those top five blessed things that people do that nearly drive you to drink, …up a wall…or maybe right round the bend).

June 19 - SIR WALTER RALEIGH APPRECIATION DAY (A time to honor all patriarchs who engage in shameless acts of chivalry and wanton acts of gallantry like giving up their seat or opening doors for a woman, bestowing flowers upon the fair sex and laying down of one’s coat in a pretty big puddle to impress those feisty feminists).

June 20 - HASTY PUDDING DAY (There are only got three things in the cupboard and you have to make a tasty treat in five minutes…what’s the recipe and the ingredients?)

June 21 - INTERNATIONAL HARUM-SCARUM DAY (A day of utterly reckless abandon, with no busybodies, monitors, or supervisors in sight…what are you doing?)

June 22 - LONG JOHNS APPRECIATION DAY - (What a terrific way to celebrate the longest day of the year not to mention tidy up your bottom drawer at the same time).

June 23 - HAND-ME-DOWN DAY (Pass along a previously-enjoyed, ready-made, cheap or shoddy thing to someone who truly deserves it…what is it and who gets it?)

June 24 - HARE & HOUNDS DAY (A wonderful excuse to scatter scraps of waste paper in the woods and then invite some flummoxed friends along to follow the trail).

June 25 - HANKY-PANKY APPRECIATION DAY (A way to honor the hocus-pocus inclined who aren’t into hand-holding, handsprings, or arm-wrestling)

June 26 - NATIONAL GLOATING DAY (Time to glance admiringly at the apple of one’s eye or delight in someone else’s misfortune as long as the person doesn’t see you).

June 27 - STANDING ON ONE’S HEAD DAY (To gain a new perspective on life; not recommended for precocious pin-heads or members of the Flat Earth Society).

June 28 - GLOBAL GLAD-HANDING & GAD-FLY APPRECIATION DAY (In recognition of people who love people and their annoying little habit of inserting smiley-faces in the signature line of every email or hand-written note they send you!)

June 29 - GREAT GIZMO & GADGET DAY (Time to let everyone know your top three “must-haves” on your exceedingly long Christmas Wish List this year!)

June 30 - HARD-AND-FAST-RULE BREAKING DAY (The Fickle Finger of Fate has allowed you one day to bend or break an immutable rule …which one is it?)

About the Author

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees (referred to as the Duchess of Dither) and Lord Earl Craboon (otherwise known as the Duke of Doorknobs) are a delightful duo of dingbats who frequent the ripsnorthing royal court of The Quipping Queen at www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com

Memory is a very tricky thing, at least for me it is. Looking back, over a year’s span of activity my memory seems to pick and choose what it remembers. It amazes me not so much what a person remembers but what a person forgets.

Often some old-timer will moan about how much he misses the good old days. I’m not sure if he is thinking of World War II or the great Depression. I’m positive that during the great Depression some wonderful memories were created, but I’m not sure anyone wants to return to those thrilling days of yesterday.

The bad was not as bad as we remember and the good was not as good as we boast.

Some things are best forgotten and some things should never be forgotten; my trouble has always been remembering which is which. (Personally, I don’t know the difference between “which” and “that.”)

Several things about the old year bear serious consideration. The past year, in my opinion, was not just one year but several years flowing together. Sometimes I’m not sure which year I lived.

The year 2004, like all its brothers before it, actually consisted of three years.

First, there is the year that really was. “Just the facts, ma’am.”

I’m a little fuzzy about this one. For one thing, looking at my checkbook entries (at least the ones I remembered to enter) the past year was a completely different one than I recall.

I really do not recollect having all the fun indicated by my bank statement. Why is it that no matter how much money I put into my bank account, more money comes out.

Evidently, some phantom creature has access to my checkbook.

President Ronald Reagan was accused of voodoo economics. Reviewing my bank statements, I could be accused of “Who-do” economics.

My income tax statement is another perplexity. I can never figure it out. If the government said I made that much money, I must have made that much money and owe that much in taxes.

Speaking of the government, what I don’t understand is how they know how much I owe, to the penny, along with millions of other Americans and cannot find Osama bin Laden. I know exactly how to solve this conundrum.

One surefire way of finding him is leaking to the government that Osama bin Laden owes taxes and he will be caught before April 15, guaranteed.

Second, there is the year I re-member.

By Rev. James L. Snyder

This year is much shorter than the previous one, for some odd reason. The year I remember had only two months; this month and last month. And believe me, “last month” is a stretch for me.

Honestly, I remember paying the electric bill, contrary to what the electric company says. My problem with the electric company is that during the space of a year they send me 12 bills and I can only remember two.

They penalize me for screwing up but they do not credit my account when they screw up like being without electricity for four days twice this past year. Oh, that I remember and remember it well. In fact, if my memory serves me correctly it was more like 90 days.

I remember deducting the monthly service charges from my bank each and every month. Well, maybe not “each and every” month. Why those three checks bounced is beyond my comprehension.

Should the bank charge a larger fee for a bounced check than the face value of the check? I don’t think so. Isn’t it the bank’s business to keep their records straight? Why do I have to spend so much time each month on my checkbook account?

Last, but certainly not least, is the year the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage remembers.

At times, I am tempted to think (at least it’s what I call thinking) my wife lives one life and I live something altogether different from hers. The things she remembers that took place during the year are beyond my remembering.

I am beginning to believe she remembers things that never took place. Of course, and I say this with all sincerity, I would never contradict her memory.

For the life of me I don’t know where I was when all these things happened that she says happened. Nor do I know where I was when I promised to do all those things she said I promised.

Even in my right mind, (of which I don’t have much left) I would never concede to help remodel the family room. I would never accuse her, heaven forbid, of taking advantage of me in this area. The thought is not a stranger inside my head, although rational thoughts are.

King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, framed his thoughts this way, “Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them;” (Ecclesiastes 12:1 KJV.)

Solomon’s idea was, “now” is more important than “then.”

The Apostle Paul had the right idea with this matter of remembering. “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14 KJV.)

It is not important how much I can remember about the past, as long as I don’t forget to set Christ before me in all I do in 2005.

About the Author

Rev. James L. Snyder is an award winning author and popular columnist living with his wife in Ocala, FL

Forget about the SAT, never mind the FCAT, and remove forever from you mind any thoughts about the ACT. All these test pale in comparision to the examination that I just failed. Failing those test may have minor repurcussions like never making it into college and therefore being forced to work at fast food resturants well into you 40’s. That’s nothing. I just flunked a quiz that could scar me for life.

This morning I was doing my usual morning ritual of checking my email and all my affiliate programs to see if I had made any money online yesterday. I hadn’t, in fact I never do, but I’ve found it’s a great way to waste an hour or two. What usually happens is I get sidetracked by some banner or pop-up and I end up lost in the middle of cyberspace signing up for a free registration to some weird website just so I can get a free ebook with a title like ‘Online Profits From Artichoke Juice!”. This morning, however, I stumbled across a real winner. I came across a link that I just had to click. I was at JokesUnlimited.com reading redneck jokes when I saw ‘Fun Quizzes: Can you guess which butts are male or female?

From the extreme look of excitement in your eyes I can tell that you feel the same way I felt when I saw the Butt Quiz link. My first thought was: ‘Pictures of female butts! Yeeeessss! And it’s a quiz so I don’t have to feel dirty about it. It’s educational! Yeeeesssss! I immediately clicked the link and started my quiz.

In hindsight(no pun intended), the expression ‘Fools Rush In’ comes to mind. I blindly rushed into this quiz in a testosterone induced urge to look at female hindparts and I forgot to think the whole thing through. I forgot to take a moment and reflect. I forgot that there were going to be male hindparts on the quiz too. Hairy male hindparts. In thongs.

Needless to say, I failed the quiz. I got 8 out of 15 right. That’s about 60 percent. An ‘F’ in almost all 50 states. Even New Jersey. I, Tim Ward, humor columnist and straight male could not distinguish between the gluteus maximus of the male and female gender. I started to wonder: Were some of the butts that I said were female really male? If so, does that mean I find some men’s butts attractive? Do I have a male butt fetsih that I didn’t know about? Do I secretly enjoy slapping guys on the butt after a good sports play? And what about the woman’s butts that I classified incorrectly? Has it really been that long since I’ve seen a bare female behind? Am I forgetting what the female body looks like?

All these questions have been running through my head since I failed my first Butt Quiz. It got to the point where I’m thinking about scheduling a retest. But this time I’ll be sure to plenty of studying in advance. So ladies, if you see me taking large hard looks at your posterior region, I’m not a pervert, I’m just doing a little research. And to the fellas, forgive me if I give more that the usual amount of congratulatory butt slaps on the basketball court for awhile. I’m just trying to further my education…And maybe work through a fetish or two.

You can take the Butt Quiz for yourself at:http://www.jokesunlimited.com/buttquiz.php

About the author:

Tim Ward invites you to subscribe to his weekly humor column ‘I Never Said I Was Normal’ so that you can get a regular does of him in your inbox. Visit: http://www.timward.1afm.com

Google Inc. is suing a Houston-based company for allegedly clicking on sponsored links to fraudulently boost advertising revenues.

Google filed a lawsuit two weeks ago in Santa Clara County Superior Court in California against Auctions Expert International LLC. Google is accusing Auctions Expert of abusing the Google AdSense program, in which web publishers display Google’s pay-per-click ads and receive a share of the revenues.

Auctions Expert joined AdSense in August 2003, according to the lawsuit. Google later discovered the alleged misconduct, terminating the contract between the companies and refunding advertisers, Google’s complaint states.

“These clicks were worthless to advertisers but generated significant and unjust revenue for Defendants who were paid by Google as if the clicks were legitimate,” the lawsuit states.

Google is seeking an unspecified amount of damages and restitution for the revenue-share payments it had made to Auctions Expert, according to the lawsuit.

Google spokesman Steve Langdon said that the Mountain View, Calif., company uses fraud detection technology to combat click fraud and protect advertisers.

“This lawsuit against Auctions Expert demonstrates the success of our anti-fraud system and that we will take legal action when appropriate,” he said in a statement.

Talk about your all-time wimpy statements. I’m not impressed. All Google did was exercise its right to file a lawsuit. The same right any of us have. Somebody shoot off the fireworks. Woo hoo! That’s some scary stuff right there!

I’m still waiting for Google to flex its considerable muscle. I want to hear a powerful statement from a powerful company. Something to the effect:

“Nothing is more important to us than our customers. They
helped make us who we are today, and we will not let them
down. We are determined to meet and defeat click fraud head
on–no matter how how long it takes or how much it
ultimately costs!”

But it will never happen. Why? Because despite its considerable power, Google is a lot like Michael Jackson in some ways. Let me explain:

At one time Michael Jackson was the biggest, most powerful star on the planet. However, as we soon discovered, he was also a wimp who was out of touch with reality.

I view Google the same way. Google is the biggest, most powerful search engine on the planet. But the way it’s handling click fraud is wimpish and shows it’s out of touch with reality also. These are criminals we’re talking about here. They’re not afraid of a silly lawsuit.

Google needs to get with the program and develop a “gangsta” attitude. Hold a worldwide press conference and tell these punk click fraud thieves in no uncertain hip hop terms:

“Yo, dog, let me holla at you for a second. We are Google, yo. We are the biggest, baddest, most powerful search engine on the planet, yo. Peep this: Do NOT steal from us or our homey’s, fool. Me and my posse have the means, the resources and the resolve to hunt you down like the punks you are 24, 7 and bust a cap in your ass! Peace…we out!”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dean Phillips is an Internet marketing expert, writer,
publisher and entrepreneur. Questions? Comments? Dean can be
reached at mailto: dean@lets-make-money.net
Visit his website at: http://www.lets-make-money.net

One thing I’ve loved since I was a little boy were superheroes. Believe me, I read so many Superman and Batman comic books when I was a kid that it’s not even funny. I loved their varied super powers, and how they constantly got out of scrapes that would have destroyed any normal man. I was so into them that I also became big fans of the Flash, Spiderman, the Fantastic Four, the Green Lantern, and several others. I’m also quite excited that there’s a new Batman movie out, Batman Begins, and its early reviews are outstanding! To say that I’ll see it more than once is an understatement, the Batman character is terrifically fascinating, and I hope this’ll be the start of a whole new string of Batman films.

All that having been said, I’ve started wondering if I could create a superhero. A superhero who’s different, a Southern superhero, and more specifically, a Georgia superhero. A superhero that we Georgians can claim as one of our own. And, if I think really hard about it, if I think of all the unique things that Georgia has to offer, and if I think about the kind of superhero that would excite me enough to go out and buy a comic book, one potential superhero fits the bill. Readers of this column, y’all are about to be the first people ever to hear about our newest superhero, yes, our first ever Georgia superhero - ladies and gentlemen, let me proudly introduce you to….

Red Clay Man!

Yes, that’s right, Red Clay Man! Faster than a man who’s just eaten a large helping of aged jalapenos! More powerful than a Okefenokee gator in heat! Able to leap tall fire ant mounds in a single bound!

Isn’t he the most? And don’t laugh, Red Clay Man is endowed with powers far different than that of the average superhero. All Red Clay Man has to do to get ready for some crime fighting is to go out into rural Georgia and fill up his Crackerjack Back Pack with handfuls of red clay. Armed with one of our most precious natural substances, he can go out and fight crime like no one’s business! Just think of it - a criminal holds up a bank in Metter and decides to drive out in the country to count the loot. He pulls over on some little back road somewhere and starts counting. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a big glob of red clay hits him smack between the eyes! He’s blinded! And, if he happens to have the presence of mind to try and run away, well, two globs of wet red clay splash down on the ground right in front of him, causing him to slip and fall. At that point, Red Clay Man slaps his kudzu cuffs on the evildoer and renders justice to him, Georgia style!

Okay, there may be a couple of minor flaws in Red Clay Man, but hey, every superhero has his or her weaknesses. I guess he could only fight crime out in the rural parts of Georgia because he’d have to keep his supply of red clay continually replenished, but hey, rural Georgia has crime too, right? And I suppose he’d need a way to get around our state in order to fight crime, so what better vehicle for him to ride around in and terrify evildoers with than the Maypop Mobile? And, since most crime fighters need a sidekick, a partner, someone to help get him out of those tight superhero type scrapes that all the great crime fighters get into, I guess I’ll need to create him one. Folks, I have the perfect one in mind, I’ll team Red Clay Man up with our newest superhero sidekick, the Boiled Peanut! Put those two together, and you have one heckuva crime fighting team, two superheroes that’ll put the fear of our previous state flag into any evil doer that challenges them!

Red Clay Man and the Boiled Peanut, our two newest superheroes and Georgia ones to boot! Hey, if we can host the Olympics in Atlanta, and if we can elect a President from here, well, we can have our own superheroes, too! And, it’s in our economic best interests if Red Clay Man catches on - just think about it. Batman is out there selling tons of t-shirts, toys, and more, just think of the red clay samples we could ship out of here on account of our newest superhero! Why, the proceeds from these sales might be so great that they could even help get the City of Macon out of hock!

About the Author

Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,” can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.

There’s a lot of stupid assed speakers and such in my school that come and talk to us about sex and saying no.Bullshit I say,they hand out papers with 50 ways to say no to sex.Being the nice guy I am I came up with 1 way to get around each of those sayings.Some of these were actually taken from the paper given.They’re fucking retarded.So without further bullshit…50 Ways to Say No to Sex and 50 ways to get around them.

1.”I just had my hair done”-Giving me a blow job won’t mess your hair up at all.

2.”I don’t feel good.”-You know they say eating penis helps with sickness.

3.”I don’t want to get pregnant.”-You can’t get pregnant from a little anal.

4.”Don’t you respect me?”-I’ll do more than respect you if you’ll spread em.

5.”No.”-Ok,you might want to just punch her and rape for this one.

6.”I want my first time to be special.”-We can break out the furry handcuffs if that’ll suit you.

7.”I want to wait until I’m married.”-Good one,married couples don’t fuck.

8.”I’m not attracted to you like that.”-Would you like another beer?

9.”I don’t want an STD”-Trust me,I don’t have a green dick.

10.”Go to hell”-I will after I go to heaven,that is if you’ll take me there.

11.”I have to take a shower.”-Awesome,you know how to have fun.

12.”My mother would kill me.”-Fine,I’ll bang her too so she don’t get jealous.

13.”I have a boyfriend,he’ll be mad.”-Your boyfriend is cheating on you.I know it hurts to hear,but I can make it all better.

14.”If you loved me you’d wait until I was ready.”-No,if you loved me you’d do anything for me.

15.”We can have fun without having sex.”-Yes,I could have fun without playing hockey,but that don’t stop me from playing it.

16.”This isn’t the right place.”-Ok,my house isn’t far away.

17.”I have things to do.”-Yeah…I’m waiting.

18.”I have a headache.”-I have Advil.I’ll be ready in about 20 minutes.

19.”Isn’t this a bad place to do it?”-Now what’s wrong with a little sex in the McDonalds cooler now and then?

20.”My car needs washed.”-Oh good,I’ve never had sex in an automatic car wash before.

21.”I’d feel slutty”-So,you probably should.

22.”I’m tired.”-Ok,get a power nap and I’ll watch TV till you get back.

23.”I have to take my clothes to the laundromat.”Well aren’t you going to need something fun to do while they wash?

24.”I’m meeting my friends tonight for dinner.I have to go.”-Hmm…are your friends attractive?

25.”Sorry bye!*leaves*”-*Catches with rope.*You know the drill.

26.”Sorry I’m meeting the Epic tonight.”-Ok,there really is nothing that will keep a woman from seeing me.

27.”I would much rather go out for dinner.”-Ok,how about after that?

28.”Can’t we do something else?”-Yes,but that’s not the point.

29.”My favorite TV show is on.”-You have Tivo bitch.

30.”I’m hunrgy.”-How about eating a really big wiener?

31.”I have too much respect for myself to have sex at an early age.”-I respect you enough to want in your pants.That deserves something.

32.”There’s a good movie playing tonight.”-Yeah,a nice dark place.Sounds kinky.

33.”No I hate you.”-Well you can hate me and punish my peter any day of the week.

34.”I’m not in the mood.”-Would you like a beer?

35.”Mommy,the strange man is scaring me.”-Listen I have Jolly Ranchers,just get in the god damned van.

36.”I’m late for work.”-Well since you’re already in trouble you may as well have fun before you get yelled at.

37.”What do you think I am,some cheap slut?”-Ok maybe 10 was a little low,how about 100?

38.”I just took a shower.”-But I bet you didn’t take a golden shower.

39.”I appriciate dinner,but that doesn’t mean I’ll have sex with you.”-Waiter,seperate checks please.

40.”Hold on,I have a phone call.”-That’s why they invented voicemail.

41.”Aren’t you the kid that had his ass duct taped in the 11th grade?”-How’d you like to be the girl that got her ass taped into by *insert full name here*?

42.”I’m a nun.”-(Ok,why you’d hit on a nun evades me,but oh well.)

43.”It’s that time of the month.”-…god damn it.

44.”I’m old enough to be your grandmother.”-But you’re not my grandmother so it’s all good.

45.”What if my daughter walks in?”-I’m thinking we can keep this all in the family.

46.”Those people will be able to see us.”-Oh,an audience.

47.”I don’t want you to think I’m easy.”-I don’t care if you are,you’re making my penis hard.

48.”Lets go golfing instead.”-If we get lost in the wood I’ll let you wash my balls.(I can’t turn down a round of golf.)

49.”All you men care about is sex.”-That’s right,all of my caring is spent towards you.Don’t you love me?

50.”I’m lesbien.”-Turn off the lights,there will be no difference between me and the strap on.

There you are.50 ways you’ll be having sex in no time.These are not guarenteed to work,but how could they not?I may come out with another one of these,I don’t know yet.

About the Author

The Epic is the owner of a personal site called the Epic Zone.You can visit by going to theepiczone.com.Feel free to use this article on a site or in a newsletter,but make sure to link to theepiczone.com and give proper credit.You can contact The Epic at theepic@theepiczone.com

When he was six my little brother Davie graduated from driving toy trucks to driving the real thing. He persuaded Daddy to let him drive the truck — alone — across the fields of our Montana farm and around the farmyard. Davie knew all about truck driving by then. He had seldom missed a movement Daddy or Grandpa made while driving.

It was an eerie sight watching Davie drive that truck, because you couldn’t see him. It appeared the truck was driving itself. Then you’d locate the top six inches of his little blond head above the dashboard, eyes peering intently ahead. In those days he didn’t drive in a seated position: he drove with his tiny bottom just brushing the edge of the seat, while his feet grasped for the pedals and his neck strained to keep his eyes above the dashboard. He drove well, putting his whole body and mind into it. In fact, he drove so well that in the fall he was allowed to drive the truck, full of wheat, over the farm fields to our granary in the barn.

That day he glowed with happiness.

When he was eight, he was permitted to drive the family car IN THE DRIVEWAY. He would spend entire Sunday afternoons doing so. He’d back the car to the end of the driveway, stop, change gears, drive the car forward forty feet to the garage, stop, change gears, back the car to the end of the driveway, stop, change gears…

One Sunday afternoon when he was nine he began showing the results of these training exercises. It was a raw March day, when the snow had melted and the soil just thawed, turning the field beside the house into icy clay gumbo. Which gumbo was several feet deep. Davie — who by then had let us know that David, not Dave and never again Davie, was his name of choice — David took the truck out into the middle of the gumbo and deliberately mired it up to its hubcaps. All afternoon we’d hear the truck roar and spin, roar and spin… a five-minute silence, then roar and spin, roar and spin. A miserable, cold, windy afternoon, and even David would be driven in to warm his freezing hands and get a drink of water.

David’s reports were always cheerful. Early announcements explained how truly hopelessly mired he’d gotten the truck. Later reports described efforts with chains, boards, and gunny sacks, all performed with his bare hands in freezing mud.

“It’s halfway out!”

Much roaring from the field.

“It’s almost there, just a few more tries.”

Sounds from the field as of a truck in its last agonies.

“It’s out! It’s out! I got it out!”

A look at the kitchen clock. “I guess I have time to get it stuck again before dark.”

About the Author: Go STEAMIN’ DOWN THE TRACKS WITH VIOLA HOCKENBERRY, a storytelling cookbook — and find Montana country cooking, nostalgic stories, and gift ideas — at Janette Blackwell’s Food and Fiction, http://foodandfiction.com/Entrance.html — or visit her Delightful Food Directory, http://delightfulfood.com/main.html

Source: www.isnare.com

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?

A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”?

A: It comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.

Q: What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know they’re boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, “I demand one million and not a penny less.” As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, “I’m here to hook up your phone.”

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If…. You are charging someone to read these jokes.

About the Author

Richard Chapo is with SanDiegoBusinessLawFirm.com - Go to our article section to read more business law articles.

One thing I’ve loved since I was a little boy were superheroes. Believe me, I read so many Superman and Batman comic books when I was a kid that it’s not even funny. I loved their varied super powers, and how they constantly got out of scrapes that would have destroyed any normal man. I was so into them that I also became big fans of the Flash, Spiderman, the Fantastic Four, the Green Lantern, and several others. I’m also quite excited that there’s a new Batman movie out, Batman Begins, and its early reviews are outstanding! To say that I’ll see it more than once is an understatement, the Batman character is terrifically fascinating, and I hope this’ll be the start of a whole new string of Batman films.

All that having been said, I’ve started wondering if I could create a superhero. A superhero who’s different, a Southern superhero, and more specifically, a Georgia superhero. A superhero that we Georgians can claim as one of our own. And, if I think really hard about it, if I think of all the unique things that Georgia has to offer, and if I think about the kind of superhero that would excite me enough to go out and buy a comic book, one potential superhero fits the bill. Readers of this column, y’all are about to be the first people ever to hear about our newest superhero, yes, our first ever Georgia superhero - ladies and gentlemen, let me proudly introduce you to….

Red Clay Man!

Yes, that’s right, Red Clay Man! Faster than a man who’s just eaten a large helping of aged jalapenos! More powerful than a Okefenokee gator in heat! Able to leap tall fire ant mounds in a single bound!

Isn’t he the most? And don’t laugh, Red Clay Man is endowed with powers far different than that of the average superhero. All Red Clay Man has to do to get ready for some crime fighting is to go out into rural Georgia and fill up his Crackerjack Back Pack with handfuls of red clay. Armed with one of our most precious natural substances, he can go out and fight crime like no one’s business! Just think of it - a criminal holds up a bank in Metter and decides to drive out in the country to count the loot. He pulls over on some little back road somewhere and starts counting. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a big glob of red clay hits him smack between the eyes! He’s blinded! And, if he happens to have the presence of mind to try and run away, well, two globs of wet red clay splash down on the ground right in front of him, causing him to slip and fall. At that point, Red Clay Man slaps his kudzu cuffs on the evildoer and renders justice to him, Georgia style!

Okay, there may be a couple of minor flaws in Red Clay Man, but hey, every superhero has his or her weaknesses. I guess he could only fight crime out in the rural parts of Georgia because he’d have to keep his supply of red clay continually replenished, but hey, rural Georgia has crime too, right? And I suppose he’d need a way to get around our state in order to fight crime, so what better vehicle for him to ride around in and terrify evildoers with than the Maypop Mobile? And, since most crime fighters need a sidekick, a partner, someone to help get him out of those tight superhero type scrapes that all the great crime fighters get into, I guess I’ll need to create him one. Folks, I have the perfect one in mind, I’ll team Red Clay Man up with our newest superhero sidekick, the Boiled Peanut! Put those two together, and you have one heckuva crime fighting team, two superheroes that’ll put the fear of our previous state flag into any evil doer that challenges them!

Red Clay Man and the Boiled Peanut, our two newest superheroes and Georgia ones to boot! Hey, if we can host the Olympics in Atlanta, and if we can elect a President from here, well, we can have our own superheroes, too! And, it’s in our economic best interests if Red Clay Man catches on - just think about it. Batman is out there selling tons of t-shirts, toys, and more, just think of the red clay samples we could ship out of here on account of our newest superhero! Why, the proceeds from these sales might be so great that they could even help get the City of Macon out of hock!

About the Author

Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,” can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.