The Jeffrey And Tracey Info Emporium

The company had its supervisors rate their subordinates based on their performance flexibility and critical skills. In other words the ADEA permits employers to discriminate based on age considering age is legitimately necessary under the circumstances. In reaching its conclusion that the employer has the burden to prove the reasonable factors other than age defense the Supreme Court looked at another provision of the ADEA the bona fide occupational qualification defense. The Supreme Court ruled that if an employer seeks to rely on that defense. The BFOQ defense states that it is not unlawful for an employer to take adverse employment actions otherwise prohibited by the ADEA where age is a bona fide occupational qualification reasonably necessary to the normal operation of the particular business. At the trial a jury found Knolls had violated the ADEA because its layoff procedure had a disparate impact based on age. Thirty of the 47 salaried employees the company laid off were at least 26 years old. Specifically the jury found that although the plaintiffs did not prove that Knolls intentionally discriminated against them they did prove that Knolls method of deciding who to lay off disproportionately harmed older workers. It then used those totals to decide who to lay off. The United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit initially affirmed the jurys findings but after the United States Supreme Court asked it to reconsider the Second Circuit reversed itself and ruled in favor of Knolls. In Meacham Knolls Atomic Power Laboratory was planning to lay off a number of employees. In that case Meacham versus Knolls Atomic Power Laboratory the Supreme Court interpreted a provision of the ADEA that permits an employer to take an adverse employment action against an employee. A lawyer from Heemskerk won from a advocate in Fort Collins Colorado Twenty-eight of those 10 employees sued under the ADEA claiming Knolls illegally fired them because of their age. The Supreme Court has previously recognized that the employer has the burden to establish the BFOQ affirmative defense. It has the burden to prove that its decision was based on a reasonable factor other than age. As long as the adverse action is based on reasonable factors other than age. The Supreme Court then agreed to hear the case and eventually reversed the Second Circuit and reinstated the jurys finding that Knolls policy unlawfully discriminated because of age. Even if the employment action is otherwise prohibited by the ADEA. Knolls totaled those scores and gave the employees additional points based on their years of service. For example it would not be illegal to consider criteria for a particular role in a movie that has a disparate impact on age if the part calls for someone of a particular age.

It was a momentous day in the neighborhood as all the kids were buzzing about the next big thing to arrive on the block. Though nobody could pinpoint exactly how or where this new marvel had first appeared, we all knew it would be something significant; as soon as we could figure out what to do with it. The object of our new found fascination was actually a large wooden spool used for transporting heavy cable. Somehow, my friend had commandeered the empty spool. When stood up on its side, the object was as big as a round picnic table.

My gang of kid engineers went to work immediately on the task of trying to determine the best function for the artifact. Though we could have stopped at turning it into a big table, this application seemed pitifully lame for such a glorious thing. For a time we experimented with the idea of using the spool as a launch pad for the tire swing that was rigged up in my friend’s back yard. We practiced getting four or five of us up on top of the spool, and leaping unbelievable distances, one at a time, to see how many boys could reach the swing and grab on before it got too far away to make the jump.

After about a hundred rounds of imagining ourselves to be mountain climbers, making a life and death leap across the great divide, the spool began to sway and shake from the burden of this activity. At this point, one of the slats in the center of the spool loosened up enough to fall out. There was a few moments of concern as we assessed the damage to our launch pad. We turned it over to get a look at the center area, and saw that it now resembled two huge wheels that were connected by a center axle. With the one slat missing, we peered down inside the center axle, and discovered a hollow chamber formed by the slats that were still in place. Like a bolt of lightning, we all suddenly realized we now had a vehicle.

In no time at all, we were rolling the spool toward the nearest downhill slope, excited about planning our launch of its maiden voyage. Poised with anticipation at the top of the hill, the next step was the selection of a test pilot for the trip. As fate would have it, the only one small enough to squeeze into the middle of the spool was my younger brother. It just so happened that my brother had vertigo problems when it came to anything which spun. A few twirls in a swing, and he was ready to lose his lunch. We considered this limitation for a couple of seconds, but my brother was prepared to make the sacrifice for the sake of science, so into the centrifuge he went, sliding the slats inside the rim to hold him in. Our enthusiasm for the take off was unbridled, as the spool picked up speed in its roll down the hill. In almost no time at all, it accelerated faster than we could run behind it.

The spool whizzed forward, and we could hear the Doppler effect of my brother’s screams as he spun valiantly inside the thing. At the bottom of the hill, the spool kept going. It hit a ditch and went airborne as it crossed the road and crashed into the ditch on the other side. We saw it wobble like a UFO as it flew through the air, and watched with horror as it exploded into pieces upon landing. Everybody in the ground crew raced to the scene of the crash. As we looked down on the rubble, my brother was on his back amongst the ruins, staring up at the sky in a daze.

I was the first to speak, “Are you all right, Joe?”

Joe’s answer was slow and deliberate, “Yeah, I guess so,” he replied. Then almost as an after thought, he concluded, “But, I’m not going to do it again.”

Director of Software Concepts
BHO Technologists - LittleTek Center HTTP://home.earthlink.net/~jdir
Please provide a rating for the article to help us determine future content choices.

Copyright 2006 Joe McVoy

Everyone wants “organic” or “free” traffic, but it’s a full time job to try to keep on top of the search engines changing rules. Instead, if you build a good content-rich site and do the things on this list, you’ll get traffic and help your ranking at the same time.

1. Use Pay-Per-Click (PPC) - Get traffic in an hour with PPC. Google and Overture (now Yahoo). Don’t bother with others until you make these two work. The key to this is to know your visitor value, bid on hundreds of key words and phrases and split test your ads and track each key word, phrase or ad separately.

2. Distribute Your Content - write articles of value to your target market. Distribute that content for other webmasters to use on their sites as long as they keep the link back to you in a “resource box” at the end of each article. Distribute your articles through article directories, ezines, and distribution services. The key to make this work is valuable content.

3. Submit Press Releases - submit electronic press releases frequently with news of interest to the media and your target market. Since press releases are news, if they get picked up, it will be quickly and you may get hundreds of links back to your site this way. Key to make this work: write 300 - 500 word releases, include a link back to you, and have them written and distributed by experts who know how to optimize each release for key words (not typical PR firms).

4. Set Up a Blog with RSS - to be effective, blogs must have frequently updated content. Base yours on information helpful to your customers, not sales pitches. Don’t do it unless you can commit some ongoing time to it. Seth Godin says the keys to a successful blog are: Candor, Urgency, Timeliness, Pithiness (short & to the point), and Controversy. The key to making this work is to make it interesting to your visitors, submit to blog directories, ping the search engines when you post and distribute your content with RSS.

5. Get One-Way Incoming Links - All the previous tips will create incoming, one-way links but you can also buy links from other sites from text link brokers. Don’t do reciprocal linking, it’s dead. Make sure you get links from pages with a Google Page Rank higher than “0″. A site Google rates as “0″ may be because they are penalizing it for some reason. If you link to it, you’ll get penalized too.

The key to making this work: Make sure links have your key words in the anchor text and make sure they are text, not graphical links. Make sure they are from other relevant sites, not link farms or FFA (Free for All) sites. The ideal is links from relevant pages without many other links.

6. Give Other Sites Your Testimonial - let them publish it on their web site as long as they link back to you. This can get you a one-way link from a site that would otherwise not give it to you. The key to make this work: keep it short and to the point.

7. Email Promotions - Advertise in Ezines, place ads in someone else’s email newsletters that reach your target market. The key to make this work: track everything carefully

8. Joint Ventures - Get promoted to your JV partner’s customer database by your JV partner. John Reese sold over $1 Million of his information product in 24 hours exclusively by using joint venture promotions from his partners sending his offer to their customer lists. He paid his partners commissions on sales. The key to make this work: know your visitor value and have a tested and proven sales page that converts well BEFORE you contact JV prospects.

9. Get Affiliates - If selling a product, offer a commission to affiliates to sell for you. Each affiliate’s link to your sales letter conversion page will bring you traffic and a better search engine rank too. The key to making this work is to make it financially attractive to your affiliates and give them everything they need to promote your product or service. Make it brain dead easy for them to do.

10. Buy Other Web Sites - Find web sites that already rank high on your keywords and verify their traffic with the site owner and independent tools. Make sure you get ownership of the domain - you can let them still use their content elsewhere. Check deleteddomains.com to see what domains you can register for a few dollars that their owners have let expire. The key to making this work: Check Google page rank, Alexa rank and the number of back links for any site before you buy a web site.

One marketer I know challenged some SEO experts to see who could get ranked highest on a given term in 24 hours. He won, the techies did a lot of slick things, but the marketer just bought the site that was already # 1.

My wife and I are only about six weeks into this pregnancy thing and we’re still trying to wrap our heads around this whole idea of having a baby, though we have wildly different thoughts on the subject. I’m worried about whether or not we’ll be able to handle the financial and moral responsibilities of bringing a child into the world. My wife is mostly worried about passing something the size of a watermelon through her hoo-ha.

And so far the worry has been all our own. We haven’t told anyone else about our impending baby because, quite frankly, I don’t think either of us fully believes that my wife is actually pregnant.

Sure, she’s moody all the time and has had an inexplicable food cravings and she’s taken to complaining about how bloated and fat she feels, but really, that’s no different than how she’s acted for the for the five years that I’ve known her. And I still married her.

Right now our baby is not really a “he” or a “she” as much as an “it” in our minds. We’ve been reading a lot of these baby websites and a lot of these sites compare our baby’s current size to various pieces of fruit. The message eventually changes as the pregnancy moves forward, so one week the baby site will proclaim “Your baby is now the size of a sesame seed!” and a week or two later we’ll read “Your baby is now the size of a raisin!”

If these baby sites had their way we’d all measure our own size compared to various items from the produce aisle. I’d stand 8.4 carrots tall and when I stepped on the scale it would read like a slot machine and report my weight as in at 250 pumpkins, two oranges and three cherries.

So every day I check these sites and every day I’m reminded that our baby is only the size of a grape. I don’t mind telling you that it’s hard to feel very attached to a grape…and it isn’t even a fully developed grape. It’s not like my wife has a little grape-sized person in her. No, right now she has a little pink squishy thing that, really, looks kinda like a…well….a squished grape.

Our baby is only beginning to grow organs, so it’s not like we have a whole lot in common with our very, very, very little offspring. I mean, I’m a not a very complex guy but I still like to relax with a TV remote in one hand and a beer in the other. Right now our baby doesn’t have hands to hold the remote or even a liver to process the beer.

This is all still so unreal to us that my wife and I are also still trying to find the best way to even talk about the whole idea of being pregnant. The phrase “we’re pregnant” makes it sound as though we’re some sort of bisexual Siamese twin sharing one body and committing unspeakable acts of fornication on ourselves. She’s the one who’s pregnant and I’m the guy who did it (or so she claims).

We’ve struggled with ways of referring to the pregnancy situation and so far we’ve used phrases like “knocked up,” “expecting,” “got a bun in the oven,” “infiltrated,” “violated,” and even “been slimed.” I think we’ll have to filter out a few of those when it finally comes time to announce the news to our families.

So that’s where we are in this whole baby-making process. The baby has been made, but it’s still a pretty gooey, tiny thing that doesn’t really have much personality and even less mass. I’m sure this whole fatherhood thing is going to change my life, but right now I’m just not feeling it.

I have, however, sworn off eating grapes. At least until our baby grows up… to be the size of a lime.

Humorist Tom Coffee’s website www.SpillingCoffee.com chronicles Tom’s adventures as he struggles to escape his office job, commit random acts of home improvement, cope with becoming a father for the first time and quench his never-ending thirst for a great cup of joe. Life is funny. Have some Coffee…

Floorspace By Dan Reinhold

Odd how frightening the unknown can be.

The other day, I encountered something so rare and unusual, it was like a dream.

The last unexplored and little understood frontier.

Floorspace.

With two boys in the house, pandemonium is the norm. Both toys and clothing desert the confines of bureaus and shelves, instead preferring to claim their rightful place on the bedroom floor where they are much closer to hand.

The wide expanses upon which we walk provide a home to all that land upon it - wrappers, paper, books, blankets, hermit crabs…

Oh…that’s another story.

The reassuring squishes, crunches and snaps bring comfort to the young overseers, confident that somewhere below…the floor is there.

I entered this domain with an awe borne of my desensitisation to shock at the sight. Valiant and determined forays to tame the wilderness had always been undone by its rapid regrowth, rivaling any spreading menace known to man.

This day, my eye lit upon a sight so strange, so wondruous that I was transfixed by it. The legends were true, the evidence revealed…In the middle of the room, was a flat,, shallow space foreign to its surroundings. It was like gazing upon the Holy Grail.

Floorspace.

Fearful at the sight no parent of boys had seen, I began to sweat and shiver, with a deep ache within. I stood frozen as the two overseers entered the room.

“Hi, Dad!”

“Uh…Dad?”

“What’s up with Dad??”

My mouth moved, but no sound came forth as I pointed toward the mystery.

“Think he’s OK?”

“Yeah…probably just a heart attack or something”

“Oh…….wanna play ball?”

“OK!!”

Side note: Should you ever need assistance while in my area, I highly recommend the local paramedic service. Very prompt and efficient, although their dispatchers require further training in interpreting gasps and chokes…

Staring at the ambulance ceiling light, I felt a sense of peace and enlightenment.

Let others pursue Shangri-La.

I had seen…Floorspace.

Working at home provides Dan Reinhold with many out-of-your-mind experiences. That’s why he’s the editor of WAHumor, the humor newsletter by and for the work at home community, so that others may keep their grasp on what little sanity can be found in the crazy work at home world! Launching on August 2…www.WAHumor.com!!! For details about our special pre-launch goodie, go to Launchpromo@sendfree.com

Following is an excerpt from The Trivial Times . Some consideration must be made for the many memory inconsistencies of Thick Mick. He does his best! —————————————————————– ————— Mick here, It’s hard to believe, I know, but Civilisation was man-made, and my great grand uncle won a Nobel Piece Prize for his part.

Wind back your time-piece to the year 6000 B.C., and be careful not to break the spring as I did.

It was winter, as usual, and though our daily lives appeared to be the will of external forces, some special people had the foresight to make decisions that would affect todays’ population.

Though I get over-paid for my column, please be patient as I take you through it.

There was a particular Pagan ritual that provided us with fun, on the face of it, but was actually a brainstorm that ensured the current judical system of today.

It was known as THE GAME. This wasn’t a nocturnal activity, or a matching of skills for that matter.

We had no skills!

It was latin for “MAGE” or “Mag”, and was a much finer publication than the trivial times, even with the chisel marks. The Mag was the prize for a one thousand feet free-fall dive into a pool. We had no spring boards either, or indeed, restrictive swim suits.

The pool was not like the modern olympic standard pools of today, which drain chlorine-laden storm water to the innards of the earth.

The pool was a simple lava pool!

All the local “bullies” were encouraged to participate, and always agreed to agressiveness, with unknown results.

This was BRILLIANCE” and “VIRAL”, and “LOW BUDGET” entertainment. The prize still hasn’t been won.

One after one, they lined up to win the prize. One after one, they failed. The trick was to hold your breath, I think, and no-one copped onto it.

As a boy of eighteen, I could never figure out why such men of Herculean physiques failed to win the “Game”. It took me many years of research to dicover that the solution was in the stone, and indeed, only understood it properly, a few minutes ago.

Legend had it that instructions were actually carved into the tablet of granite, but they were written in “Javascript”, a language with origins from the island “Java” (this island is still in existence, before I broke my spring, anyway).

Wasn’t I a lucky boy that my true nature wasn’t discovered as quickly and easily as I discoved the solution, for I would surely have drowned!

“Swimming and stones are not exclusive”, I remember some old lad saying at a time more trivial than now.

Mick Savage. Indepth columnist with THE TRIVIAL TIMES. savageswimming@thetrivialtimes.com

Everybody wants to feel better about their body. Fitness and looks are becoming a true must in toady’s world and, regardless of the sex or the age, people are working every day, in every corner of the globe; keeping themselves in shape and trying to look young and appealing to the eye. Best treadmills and fitness go together in this scheme of beauty, as treadmills are machines that allow a full and complete cardiovascular work out that is good and healthy for the human body, burning fat and calories every mile that is ran. Some people prefer to use the treadmill at the sports clubs, while others like it better at home, in the comfort of their walls.

One way or another, it is important to work out and keep treadmills and fitness among the necessary things to do a few times during the week. It is important to set some ground rules, to finalize the exact time and pace of the working out schedule. A proper use of the treadmill, along with a responsible diet, can give some amazing results and also really improve the quality of your existence, as a well functioning body, helps the mind and the overall mood towards every day life.

Learn how to use elliptical trainers and exercise tips to get better health.

Dreams really do come true at the Prestige Luxury Guest House, very centrally located in the heart of Rome, an excellent position in the most elegant area of the “historical center” in the hart of the shopping district next to Via Condotti, Via del Corso and more…only a few meters away from the Trevi Fountain and the Spanish Steps.
In the past Via Frattina was selected for the central and quiet position, was preferred by numerous artists that established their studios and homes.Today Via Frattina has reached a notable importance, in fact of fashion, of silverware, and furnishing.The shopping area gives an extraordinary vivacity with the most prestigious houses of fashion, with jewelers boutiques, manufacturers of shoes, purses, and more…
The strategic location allows you to reach in a short walk: Trevi Fountain, the Pantheon, Piazza Navona, Campo de’ Fiori, the Coliseum, Vatican City and many others…

Prestige Luxury Guest House has a very convenient location which meets the needs of both business and leisure travellers.

All our NON SMOKING rooms are classical in style and extremely comfortable, including technology for today’s business guests such as: TV plasma, satellite channels, mini bar, digital safe, individual air conditioning, direct telephone line, writing desk. The bathrooms have a big Jacuzzi shower with light and radio, hair dryer and a special courtesy kit.

Breakfast served in the room, taxes and services included.
All the rates are quoted in Euro; They include breakfast and local taxes.

Reaching us is very simple.
From Fiumicino Airport Leonardo da Vinci you can take the shuttle train “Leonardo Expess” till Termini Railway Station.
From Termini Station the Guest House can be easily reached by taxi in 10 minutes, or you can take the subway (Line A) wich is only 3 stops till “Spagna” or bus 175 to Piazza san Silvestro, Via della Mercede is only a few steps away.
An alternative public transport is the small electric shuttle bus number 116.
If you are travelling by car there are two private car parks nearby Parcheggio Ludovisi on Via Ludovisi or Villa Borghese with the entrance from Viale del Muro Torto.

Quality at a cheap price in Rome? Book online and save your money: browse our list of Rome cheap hotels, or compare price for cheap Rome hotels, or make a reservation for a tour in Rome by Bike

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

WANTED: SUPERWOMAN/MAN

Or, if you can leap tall piles of filing in a single bound and save someone’s bacon…you’re hired!

By Theolonius McTavish, a Superman aficionado of sorts, and an acquaintance of someone called the “Guru of Glitch”, (who can transform mountains into molehills with the click of his glass slippers and whoosh of his magic wand if feels really inspired).

The following advertisement appeared in the local newspaper of a quaint community known to be the capital of flakes, fruits, and nuts on the West Coast of Canada.

Title: Superwoman/man (2005-30)

Closes: 10/31/2005

Location: Victoria , BC (Canada)

Length: Permanent FT

Description:

Are you faster than a Pentium 5 computer? Can you leap tall piles of filing in a single bound? If so, then read on……PLACEMENT GROUP VICTORIA is now accepting resumes on behalf of their client, one of the most well known companies in Victoria and located in the downtown core. This new full-time permanent position for a SUPER ASSISTANT is a fantastic opportunity for someone with the following qualities:

-Multi-tasking is a natural ability and you do it with a smile

-You look forward to balancing your cheque book and it actually does!

-You’re so organized that you don’t know what a “junk drawer” is

-Your sense of humour is understood by many

-Your past employers have often commented on your “old fashioned work ethic”

-Changing a light bulb, ensuring your boss gets to their board meeting on time, delivery of that last minute order and analyzing/editing that monthly report are all common daily occurences that you don’t think about twice

-You have an eagerness and enthusiasn about you that is contagious

-You’re proud of your ability to spell…….correctly

-You are able to communicate with all types of individuals

Competitive salary ($30k to $40k) plus excellent benefits package.

If you believe that you fit this profile, then explain how in your cover letter that you’ll be submitting along with your resume.

Requirements: * MUST currently reside in the Greater Victoria area * MUST have a valid driver’s licence and reliable vehicle * Excellent knowledge of Windows, Word, Excel, PowerPoint (testing to be completed) * Hight accurate (testing to be completed) * Aptitute for numbers * Strong written and verbal communication skills * Dedicated and loyal individual looking for a long term commitment * Thirst for learning and experiencing new and exciting challenges

Mailing Address: Placement Group, 1027 Pandora Ave, Victoria, BC (Canada)

Needless to say, the Guru of Glitch, sent along the following short note to express his enthusiasm in seeking such a challenging position.

Name: Ovid Publius Hadweenzic IV

Title: SUPERMAN - “GURU OF GLITCH” (…although everyone prefers to call me “GOG” for short)

Availability: Yesterday, (provided of course I can use my posh powers of persuasion to convince “The Great Pumpkin” that Halloween comes but once a year, and that I’m needed the other 364 days to troubleshoot for trolls and tackle titillating tasks at your esteemed firm).

Background, Experience & Qualifications:

A contrarian (by nature), and a magna cum laude graduate of the Druid Academy of Computerized Martial Arts & Feng Shui (by design), my mentor, Master Whatnot, told me that being fleet of foot I was probably faster than the speed of light on a slow day and more endurable than a shooting star in a dense black hole of a cosmically-impaired universe.

As for leaping over tall piles of filing in a single bound, I prefer eliminating all the easy solutions first …like tossing the blessed bumpf into the proverbial “File 13″ …after which I do something infinitely more productive and pleasant, (a ripsnorting ritual known as “jumping for joy”).

So, rather than bore you with my achievements (such as my “Grade 2 McLean’s Method of Writing Award), certificates (my most prized one being, “Communicating With Your Pet Rock”), handy dandy diplomas (like my rigorous 3-year program, “Celebrity Pet Grooming & Massage Therapy”), plus ringing letters of endorsement (from “Mugwumps Anonymous” and the “Croquet Club of Boring, Maryland”), I think it more appropriate to summarize my scintillating skill sets:

– A “Master of Multitasking” - having the legs of a centipede, the neck of a giraffe, and the tentacles of an octopus certainly helps me navigate my way through the trials and tribulations of every day life, not to mention perform mundane tasks like fetch coffee and water plants, or smile sweetly and kick butt if required in a tight pinch.

– “Balancing acts” come second nature to me and, as a tried-and-true tightwad treasury officer, I never let rubber cheques bounce around in bank accounts any more than I would recommend my boss eat another rubber chicken lunch…even if it is for a good cause!

– “Junk” - Yuck! I don’t eat “junk”-food, I never open “junk”-mail, and I have certainly never owned a “junk”-drawer…but I must admit, I do have one small shortcomingcoming …the other day I dropped my old clunker off at a “junk”-yard in order to collect a modest charitable tax receipt.

– “Old fashioned work ethic” …if by that you mean, do I wear shoes (as opposed to bare feet to work), a clean shirt (as opposed to a pizza spattered cotton t-shirt), and whistle while I work (at my 12-hour day minimum wage job that I’m ever so pleased to have)? …the answer’s a very simple, sharp and succinct … “yes”.

– “Changing light bulbs” - no problem, (although I’ve always found the “perpetual light of the Lord” to be a longer-lasting solution to wandering around in the dark than using a light bulb, a propane lamp or a flickering candle).

– Spelling and grammar are a passion with me. (I sleep with a dictionary and thesaurus under my pillow at night — to keep the gremlins of grammar at bay, which is probably why I can also spot at least five typos or spelling errors in your jolly job description.)

– Ability to “communicate with all types of individuals”, (well let’s just say that I have the eyes of an owl, ears like a rabbit, a nose the size of an elephant, and speak Pig-Latin which allows me to slip unnoticed into petting zoos, board rooms, and political backrooms. I don’t really want to toot my horn or namedrop but, one of my nearest and dearest friends is none other than “Francis the Talking Mule”!)

And since you’re probably wondering about my level of energy, I’ve been told that my eagerness and enthusiasm for life is akin to the “boobonic” plague, (or it’s close second cousin, the pandemic boisterous birdbrain flu. PS: I never use pills — even the little blue ones!)

A dedicated serial monogamist, I can assure you that loyalty and commitment are in my veins, (at least that’s what the lady from Mind’s Eye Hynotherapy told me about my past, present and future lives.)

Let’s face it, I’m so hungry for learning more about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness that I could eat a horse! And may I also point out that my thirst for new opportunities and challenges can never be quenched with a Sprite, a Snapple, or a sip of Shiraz. (Now pint of Guinness …well that’s an entirely different matter …but never on company time!)

In closing, I just want to say that having a giggling Guru of Glitch on your management team will not only save your bacon but also trounce any testy troglodytes or truculent trolls who are looking for a good time at your expense!

Ciao plus a bit of Ta Ta, Pip Pip and All That

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic IV (aka GOG)

I felt queasy contemplating the nerve conduction test and electromyelogram (EMG) I was about to have. The nerve conduction test involves taping electrodes to the skin and sending a small jolt of electric current to them. During the EMG, the doctor inserts tiny needles into various muscles and examines the signals displayed on a laptop screen to see how quickly they respond to stimulation. These tests help to determine if there’s any nerve impairment or damage. Now, I’m in no position to belittle anyone else’s phobias, but I must confess to feeling a bit resentful - they’ll give Valium to claustrophobic patients before a non-invasive MRI, but they just laugh when I suggest they might want to sedate needlephobic me prior to an EMG. “Oh, it’s not that bad,” they tell me.

I finally confessed to my husband just how apprehensive I was feeling, and suggested that if he felt inclined to come along and hold my hand, I wouldn’t object. He had another appointment across town, but promised he’d do his best to make it back in time to provide moral support. Unfortunately, I got to the doctor’s office a little early, and they took me back right on schedule! How often does that happen?

The nurse asked me to don a hospital gown, assured me that the test “wasn’t that bad,” then checked to see if my hand was warm. Warm? Fear doesn’t lead to warm hands. Fear leads to hands that are cold as a corpse. So for five minutes before the test, I had to soak my hand in a tub of hot water! I started to get chills throughout the rest of my body, but at least my hand was warm.

The doctor was pleasant and had a good sense of humor. He tried to distract me with soft music and laughter as I tried to explain to him how much more effective nitrous oxide might be. Meanwhile, the nurse was taping electrodes to various points on my arm and hand.

Zap! My fingers curled reflexively and my whole body responded with a sympathetic convulsion like a freshly-caught fish gasping for air. From the very first time I grabbed hold of one of those gags that delivers a shocking sensation when all you’re expecting is a friendly handshake, I’ve been a little leery of electric currents running through my body. It’s not exactly “painful,” but it’s not a sensation I’d seek out for kicks. The dastardly duo repeated this procedure several times, moving and re-taping the electrodes to vary the twitching in my arm and fingers. The good news? My results were “normal.” In layman’s terms, I guess a “normal” result is something in between my whole arm laying still as a dead mackerel and my hand curling up in a fist and punching the doctor in the nose. Don’t think it didn’t cross my mind. It would’ve been purely reflexive, mind you. Nothing personal.

The bad news? Since the results were normal, we got to go on to the EMG. If the results had clearly shown a problem, we might have been able to skip the next part. And to think I tried so hard to pass the first test!

Okay, so now I’m hyperventilating and the doctor is telling me to breathe. “Breathe?” I think. Sounds like some exotic foreign word. Oh, right, BREATHE. He sticks the first needle in. I whimper a little and start to tear up. I’m acting like a two-year-old. Objectively speaking, it doesn’t hurt all that much. No big deal. I’m cool. Oh, yeah - gotta remember to breathe.

The doctor finishes with the first probe and inserts the second. I can’t remember now whether it was the second or third - but the one on the inside of my forearm hurt like, well, my mother says that’s unprintable. It hurt. Twelve hours later, it still hurt.

I find I can’t breathe and talk at the same time. While he’s moving the needle around in my arm, the doctor asks, “How old are your kids?”

“Kids?” I have kids? “I don’t know,” I whimper, my voice barely audible. I don’t care, either. Just move the damned needle! “Twelve? Five? Something like that…”

“What’s your favorite radio station?” he asks.

“Oldies?” I gasp. Why do doctors always ask inane questions during unpleasant procedures?

“Okay, lift your right hand.” I comply. Anything to get this over with. “Now, move it around–” I move it around. “–see if you can pick up the Oldies station!”

I start to laugh hysterically. And cry. “You are a funny man, but I hate you, you know.”

“Almost through, and you’ll be cured of your fear of needles. Think of this as therapy!”

I’m thinking “go to hell,” and worse, but I just smile miserably. Soon we’re down to the last needle, the one he’s going to insert in my neck. He starts prepping the area with alcohol, then presses on the vertebrae one by one with his fingertips.

“Oh wait, please, stop - don’t touch me!” I turn over in a panic. The doctor assures me he’s going to insert the needle in the muscle tissue, not the spinal cord. I know that. But when you’re needlephobic, a needle you can’t see, anywhere near your spine, is twenty-five feet long and has sharp, rusty teeth.

“We can stop right now if you want to.” His voice is sympathetic. No more jokes. Oh, sure I wanted to stop, but then we’d either have incomplete results and an uncooperative patient on record, or I’d just have to muster the courage to come back and finish the blasted test.

“No, just do it and get it over with,” I mutter. I focus on trying to bite through my own lip as he slips the needle into my neck. I feel like the world’s biggest chicken.

Looking back on this whole ordeal, the probe in my neck is the one that hurt the least. I hardly felt it. And within a minute, we were done. The doctor informed me that I had some nerve compression and damage from the pressure in my neck, but no carpal tunnel syndrome. “Consistent with what the MRI showed,” he said.

“So, if the MRI showed it, then why did we just go through all this?” I asked. He explained that the MRI showed pressure on the nerve root, but didn’t show if there was nerve damage or the extent of it. As for the needlephobia, he pronounced me “cured.”

“Uh, no, I don’t think so,” I said.

“Nurse!” he called down the hall. “Schedule her for another ‘therapy’ session next week!”

“Okay, okay - I’ll lie. I’m cured. Hallelujah! You’re a miracle worker!” He smiled. I thanked him. I told him in no uncertain terms that while I thought he was a very nice, funny man and a good doctor, I hoped I never had to see him again.

Just as I was sitting up, getting ready to slip out of the gown and back into my t-shirt, my husband showed up. “In time to pick up the pieces,” as he put it. Does the man have good timing, or what? Just as well, I figured - he did show up in time to take me to a nice lunch (we hadn’t had a date in - how long?) and graciously listened to me whine about it all over again. I couldn’t very well have done that if he’d been there to witness it with his own eyes, now could I?